Step by Step

Guest Post: New Year's Resolutions for Stepfamilies

2010-01-05T16:46:00.000-05:00

By Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.,

Author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

The dawn of 2010 is a watershed moment for what we might call the New American Family. This is the year, according to many experts, when stepfamilies will outnumber first families in the U.S. One in three Americans is now a "step" of some sort -- stepparent, stepsibling, or stepchild.

There's now no denying that stepfamilies have our place in mainstream American culture. But there are plenty of struggles too. Many stepfamilies find they don't get the support and understanding they need from their children's schools, or from their churches or temples. Stepkids feel loyalty binds -- a sense that to love or even like a stepparent is a betrayal of their real mom or dad. And stepparents often feel shut out -- by partners who have gotten used to years of parenting solo, and by stepkids who, the research shows, tend to be hostile and rejecting of a stepparent in the initial years of the repartnership -- and sometimes for years.

Here are ten simple steps stepfamilies can take to usher in a decade of stepfamily satisfaction:

Resolve to be a couple. Remarriages with children are twice as likely to fail as those without. Stepcouples are assailed by challenges including children who are unenthused about the union, family and friends who don't get the stress of repartnering with children, and unsupportive exes in the wings. Putting the marriage or partnership first gives the whole family a chance at stability and happiness.

Don't try to "blend." Stepfamilies are assailed by unrealistic expectations. The primary one is that they are "supposed" to be just like a first family. When we ask stepfamily members to "blend," we're putting them in a jam with regards to the other parent in the picture, as well as their separate histories and family cultures. Stepfamilies can be healthy settings for adults and kids, particularly when we remove the pressure to "be" any particular way.

Bridge the gap. Young adult stepchildren especially, come to a developmental crossroads where they may be able to see a previously demonized stepparent in a new way, or understand their parent's divorce from another point of view. Spouses can give their spouse who is a stepparent the benefit of the doubt in the New Year: "I married her, and I'm going to trust that when she's upset, she's not making a big deal out of nothing." It is amazing how finding this "middle ground" can soothe and heal old hurts.

Resolve to care for yourself. As I interviewed women for my book Stepmonster, I realized they all fit the new research findings about stepmothers to a T: many were trying so hard to buck the "wicked stepmother" stereotype that they bent over backwards in the wrong direction. Sure, it's nice to be kind. But never expressing any displeasure with your stepkids, and constantly putting your own needs and feelings last, as stepmothers are usually expected to do, is a recipe for resentment. Self-care is key for women with stepkids. A regular "girls night out" or occasional massage or even just finding time to read a novel are key to preventing stepmaternal burn out.

Resolve to lower the bar. This one's easy! In general, stepparents will do well to do less -- less attempting to blend, less trying to win the kids over, less acting as a family and marital counselor. Stepmothers can take a lesson from stepfathers here: stepfathers generally report lower levels of involvement in the early years of stepfamily formation -- and kids report higher levels of satisfaction with stepfathers than with stepmothers. There are lots of factors to consider, but a big one is the ability to step back, and let the relationship develop on its own terms, in its own time.

Learn to fight. That's right. It's a skill. And couples with kids from previous relationships are going to need it. Find a "hot topic" communication formula that works for you…and use it. This can include "I sentences" versus accusations ("When you say that I feel . . . " instead of "You always do X!"), as well as communication formulas found in Stepmonster and other books listed in "resources" below.

Find the right things to do together. Eye-to-eye activities, like sitting down to talk, are always more stressful for steps than are shoulder to shoulder ones. Try doing a puzzle, playing a board game (Scrabble can be a good one if the stepkids are older) or doing arts and crafts together. And understand that unlike first families, stepfamilies bond best one-on-one. All-together activities tend to activate everyone's fears of being an outsider.

Get out of the house, and invite family and friends in. Stepparents in particular need to balance the sense that they are something of an "outsider" in the household with plenty of time with family and friends who help them feel like an insider. Stepkids of any age will feel less "on the spot" if there isn't endless attention trained on their every move, and they are part of a living, lively household that gives them a sense of security and belonging.

Resolve not to treat the kids like royalty. Kids of any age who turn up want to feel included and comfortable, and that doesn't happen when parent and stepparent bend over backwards to accommodate their every whim, or design their days around a step/child's desires. Making him or her part of what you do normally, plus some alone time with mom or dad, will helps kids feel like family rather than guests.

Find a place. Give a stepchild who doesn't live with you something that is always the same -- if it can't be a whole closet, then a spot in one, a regular place at the dinner table, and so on. And stepparents, be sure to find a place in the house that is just for you. When stepfamily life gets momentarily tense -- which is inevitably will -- you will have a place to escape and recharge.

Resources/further reading:

Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple's Guide to Renewing Your Relationship by Martin Babits, LCSW, BCD

The Gottman Institute/ works by John Gottman
©2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author Bio

Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com/ ) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post's parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year's "Books for a Better Life" award.

A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

Become a fan of Wednesday Martin on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/.

Automated Man Gets the Shopping Done!

2009-12-02T17:54:00.004-05:00

How many times have you sent a child to the other parent knowing they may need something when they are there? My neighbor is constantly telling me this happens to her repeatedly. She'll send her two boys to their moms and there mom will call their dad and ask him to pick up a few extra things at the store as she didn't have time to get it. This sucks for the dad and his wife because they already pay support but if they don't provide them with the few items requested they'll go without just because of spite.

Her children are still young but I showed her AutomatedMan today, which allows a person to go online and order a month supply of hygiene products for a male. Sorry, no female ones. This is something you can order online and have sent to an address. Something to maybe delivered to their mom's house in the future so they can shave, brush their teeth, etc. It arrives in its own bag and has everything in it once a month.

For $39.99 they get:
As you can see there is definitely a lot of stuff and this stuff goes over $100 in value so you know they won't just run out. My guess is this is probably sounding much better to you then just buying it all yourselves whenever she/he decides they are out. Plus you can always order it for your own child to be delivered to home or if they go to a school far away (boarding) at Automated Mom. Either way, you can order, they can order and no matter what the issue is always covered. No child should go without and hey you could even buy this for your own spouse and never have to buy this stuff for them again. They'll just have to remember to use it every once and a while. Right?

Have a good day, I'll be updating more often with more step-parenting scenarios like the one above and asking ....what would you do if you were in his/her shoes. Hey we all go through issues whether we are stepfamilies or never been divorced. One thing is for certain though, when things are all taken care of everything should run smoothly....at least for mom.

Your Advice is Needed

2008-11-11T09:07:00.002-05:00

A neighbor of mine has asked for advice from you readers. Her issue? Well let me tell you her story, which might take some time.

She and her husband had a bit of a struggle a few years back and he wondered, the wondering created a child. She was so upset by this that they split, eventually she went back, but once again he got the other lady pregnant.

The other lady (mother of the two boys) refused to allow her babies near his wife, in the hopes that he'd eventually leave her. This didn't work, they got stronger and eventually the biological mother let him take the kids to visit him at his home. But it wasn't until this year, which means their New mom is very new at this and has many obstacles and questions.

When the boys come back to them they treat her so horribly plus they are mean to one another and always hitting. As a new mother she doesn't want to punish and is always stating "they already tell me they hate me." Any advice for her? I told her she still needs to correct.

My own childhood was very much like this, my father once said they'd get me back wild and it would take a few days to get me right again but then I'd be off to her place in a few days. But they always stuck with the "rules" and that's how it worked. I have suggested to her to lay down the laws and have her husband work with her on it, otherwise she will always be the doormat to those boys. i know she loves them, in fact the slightest thing will get her to go shopping and buy them something.

Who Pays for the Wedding?

2008-03-25T07:37:00.002-04:00

My kids aren't old enough to worry about marriage but I remember when it came time for my sister to get married. I recently watched an episode on Reba where Van and Cheyenne are renewing their wedding vows and Reba is honored to plan the wedding until she finds out she must share the planning with the crazy (new wife)Barbara-Jean. Ya know the same woman that stole her man while she was married.

Here's a question, "Who pays for the wedding?" For traditions sake it is normally the bride's family that pays for the wedding. But what happens when her family is a blended family, does one pay more than the other?

What's your take on it?

Review: Stepping-Stones For Stepmoms

2007-11-13T14:30:00.000-05:00

First off I'm going to state that I am not a stepmom, but I was a step-daughter and think if I had just a little insight to what this book revealed back then life would've been much easier. This is one of those books that will walk you through the steps that a stepmom must go through in order to be part of "The" family. While reading this book, do keep in mind that it is religious so if religion isn't your cup of tea it may not be for you. However if you can, it may really help you understand the life of a stepmom and what they go through.

This will be a bit different for a review, I'm going to share with you certain quotes and then life through the eyes of a step-daughter and a mom. Yes, mom because I think that this book would even help moms and not just stepmoms. (Sorry Karen but I think it would benefit everyone out there that has children)

For instance- Anger issues. What's the first thing that happens when your child lies to you or your spouse? How do you feel? Karen will walk you through how it feels as a stepmom, the hurt, resentment, anger, etc and how to overcome that. No you don't just strike out like so many do. Find out why it is happening.

For each chapter in "Stepping-Stones" there are several questions to answer and help you through the process. Each chapter begins with a verse from the bible, the story of the challenge, encouragement to get through it, a prayer and the questions.

My favorite part in the book was on page 131 where she talks about her life on a day of coping. "Peace in Coping" her family is at a soccer game and at the very end, their son runs off with his mom for the weekend and yells "Love you both," without fear of how his mom feels. I think this is a remarkable moment, I remember that feeling of dread or the look in others eyes. It takes a remarkable family to be able to deal with this. But with the steps inside this book you just might be able to achieve that. Shouldn't every child feel fearless, whether he/she is with mom or dad?

Blog Tour: Stepping-Stones for Stepmoms

2007-11-13T08:30:00.000-05:00

Karon Goodman pens a Stepmom Guide on just how to do it, sprinkled inside with prayers to help you get through it, life stories, scriptures and questions for you. Hopefully it will be something to help you know that you are not alone in this journey of parenthood.

Up This Week: Everything Karon Goodman

2007-11-12T08:30:00.000-05:00

This week we will have a review on Karon Goodman's most recent book, "Stepping-Stones for Stepmoms," a bit on her, summary of the book, links to others doing the blog tour and just about anything else I can dig up on this stepmom. Hey, everyone needs a bit of insight to the stepfamily life. Don't you think?

School Supplies?

2007-09-17T05:52:00.001-04:00

For those that have two families how do you decide who buys what for the new school year? Do both families take part in this or is it only the one that gets the child during the week?

I've seen this go both ways, in fact my cousin is currently going through this. Her ex just bought all the items on the school list. Since she recently had a baby she was relieved she didn't need to go out shopping. Course when he brought her home after his weekend visit he told her their child is only to use them at his house. Problem is he only gets her on the weekends. Any advice for her?

Stepfamily Casting Call

2007-08-03T15:22:00.001-04:00

Over at TV Bender I've listed a casting call for stepfamilies in Canada that would like to appear on a reality show. Head over there for more details.

Question to All TV Viewers out there...

2007-08-03T15:15:00.001-04:00

I was asked, "Are there any stepfamilies represented in TV shows?" recently on another blog. So I come to ya'll and ask you if you know of any. Here is the list I've come up with so far:

The Brady Bunch
Mama’s Family
Step by Step
Nash Bridges
Cybil
Who’s the Boss
Nanny - (the old show)
Reba
All of Us
Gilmore Girls
OC
Life with Derek
Josh & Drake

Any others out there?

Photo Source: Allposters

MTV's True Life

2007-06-22T12:13:00.000-04:00

I received a casting call from MTV. They are looking for children of divorce ages 16 - 28, to share their stories and experiences.

You can read the casting call here

Also, the contact sent some additional information by email:

True Life: I Have a Blended Family

Is a new stepmother or stepfather about to enter your life and home… along with their kids? Is the size of your family about to double in a day? Is your parent’s same-sex partner moving in with him/her…and you? Are you trying to befriend your siblings-to-be but doubting the outcome? If you feel like your family is about to get blended, MTV wants to hear from you.

If you appear to be between the ages of 16 and 28, and your family is undergoing a major reconfiguration, email us at blended@mtvstaff.com with all of the details. Please be sure to include your name, location, phone number and a photo, if possible.

I'm hopeful that if anybody chooses to contact MTV and even do the show, that you'll share with us so we can watch!

To All Those Dads

2007-06-17T09:29:00.001-04:00

Update on Madeleine McCann

2007-06-15T12:35:00.000-04:00

As of right now the only update is they haven't actually found Madeleine McCann, but the police got a tip with a detailed map stating where her body could be found. They've been out there all day searching but so far they haven't turned up anything. Not even evidence.

For those that may not know: Madeleine, age 4, disappeared after her parents left her and her two younger siblings in their hotel room while they went to eat dinner at a nearby restaurant. They began a campaign to find her ever since, this includes countries like Germany, Spain, USA, Netherlands and even Morocco.

Lets keep her and her family in our thoughts over the long weekend.

Search for Missing Girl

Eliza's Intro

2007-06-15T12:28:00.000-04:00

Howdy ya'll, I know I'm late on my intro and I'm very sorry about that, but I did a lot of reading in the meantime and have lots to talk about. First off, no I'm not a divorcee or have stepchildren, but before ya'll start running away I grew up with the whole blended family bit.

My parents divorced by the time I hit 8-years-old and I lived with my mom for a while. My dad ended up with custody of us (good thing) and got married to my mom (stepmom) by the time I was 10. (can't recall exactly) My step-mom (I call mom) already had a daughter, who was 11 months younger than myself, my dad had two children (myself and brother) as well. Before I reached 13 my biological mother would have two more children, both girls.

I learned all about what it meant to go from a family, to custody batttles, to a new family and all the ins and outs that go with that. Today, my sister (stepsister) and I are very close. For myself, I've been married for 11 years and have four children. As you can see I do have a little to contribute and can't wait to contribute.

How about you? Are you from a blended family, past or present?

9-Year-Old Charged With Poisoning Stepmom

2007-05-29T16:31:00.000-04:00

Talk about Scary!

A nine-year-old boy was placed in juvenile detention after he was charged with four counts of third-degree assault for poisoning his 30-year-old stepmother and his three siblings in separate incidents.

Mobile County Sheriff's spokesman Kate Johnson said the youngster admitted pouring an aquarium water conditioner in his stepmom's drink on Saturday at a residence in Irvington.

The unnamed woman fell ill and remains hospitalized in the intensive care unit at a Mobile hospital. She was treated for abdominal pains and is expected to make a full recovery.

Johnson said investigators also are looking into an April 15th incident in which the boy confessed to poisoning his siblings with an industrial strength cleaner and degreaser.

The three siblings, a 15-year-old and two 11-year-olds, were treated and released.

Investigators described the youngster as a "troubled child" in need of professional counseling.

StepMom Break

2007-05-24T12:55:00.000-04:00

Once in a while a mom (stepmom) just needs to take a nice break, hold the couch down and get absorbed into a good chick flick that just sort of lets the world slip away for a while.

One of my personal favorites is Little Black Book

What are some of your favorite Chick Flicks?

Child of divorce wants to choose where he lives

2007-05-14T09:30:00.000-04:00

This article is too great not to pass on...

Q What are your thoughts on split custody of two siblings?

Eight months ago, the son asked to move in with the father. Now he's asking to move back to his mom's house. He's 11.

His reasons for wanting to return are to see his mom and his 6-year-old sister more; to have friends, because he has made no new ones in his current school or neighborhood; and he doesn't like the fact that no one is there when he gets home from school.

His dad doesn't want him to go back, but I think the son is very lonely. He mentioned in passing that he moved in with his father because he didn't want his dad to be lonely. The divorce was four years ago. His mom has remarried, and his dad just recently started dating.

Is it a good idea to let a child select where he wants to live? Is it hurtful to separate siblings? Should the dad get to decide where the child lives? Would a family counselor be a good idea to sort through the issues?

A Who decides where a minor child lives after a divorce? Sometimes a judge decides; sometimes the decision is made by mediation. Sometimes the parents fight over where the child will live. Sometimes the child has input, sometimes not.

What's best for the child? Two parents who love the child, understand the child's needs, realize the impact that divorce has on a child, and communicate well so that they can work together continuously on what's best for the children as they grow and develop.

I'm guessing that the person who wrote today's letter is a grandparent. I infer that the parents are not paying much attention to their child and don't communicate well. I also infer that the boy asked to leave about the time mom got married. Mom now had a husband and two kids, while dad had no one. I find it interesting and disquieting that some children of divorce end up taking care of their parents instead of the other way around.

To answer your questions, splitting two siblings is not a good idea. There are enough other changes going on in the children's lives at the time of a divorce. As for an 11-year-old deciding where he wants to live, if a custody fight came before the court, most judges would ask the child — or have the child and both homes evaluated — before making a final decision.

Your letter points out a major pitfall in letting the child decide. It was noble of the boy to want to take care of his father, but he's too young to take on such a task. Depending on what the custody arrangements are, dad doesn't have the sole right to decide.

Family counseling would be a great idea if all parties, including the mother's new husband, are willing, and are all in a mode of "I want what's best for the kids." Individual counseling for the boy could help him realize that he's the kid and he deserves friends and stability in his life, even if dad is lonely.

Finally, it's fortunate that most children are resilient, because so many parents today have it backward. They put themselves first — before the kids. Some children of divorce never quite get over it. I recently heard a man in his 60s mention it was the 50th anniversary of his parents' divorce. He remembered the exact day.

I realize that not every couple can or wants to follow these rules, but here are Dr. Heins' rules for protecting children from the effects of divorce:

● Don't get married unless you expect to spend the rest of your life married to this person.

● Don't have children unless they will be able to spend their entire childhood in the two-parent family you created.

● Don't get divorced unless you're comfortable with the idea that your kids might spend their entire lives remembering a divorce anniversary and its impact.

I Think There Should Be A Law

2007-05-07T13:36:00.000-04:00

It's always been my belief that there should be a law that states if the non-custodial parent doesn't pay child support then they forfeit the privilege of seeing their children.

Seeing your children and being a part of their lives should be considered an honor and parents who lack the responsibility of helping provide the best possible life for those children should be a full crime punishable by not allowing them in their lives.

It was always easy with my ex - because I never had to worry about him taking me to court to fight me on my decision. Of course he never wanted to see the kids anyway -- it interrupted his party time.

There are some people, much like my husbands ex who seem to feel they are above the law. Like the rules ONLY apply to everyone but them.

In the long run it's only hurting the children -- and in a house where the child support DOES belong to the children, is placed in accounts where it's ONLY spent on the children, it makes it rather difficult for the non paying parent to explain.

Some people make me ill! Just giving birth and seeing the kids two days a friggin month are NOT enough.

One Day of Silence

2007-04-30T08:07:00.001-04:00

Childless by choice

2007-04-23T10:34:00.000-04:00

I read an interesting article this morning at: To bear or not to bear? Childless by choice ...And their lives are far from empty.

I have to admit, that's one of those topics that I've never really given much thought to, but when it's presented in a way that captures my attention like this article has, I find myself pondering quite a bit over what life might be like if I were 'one of those' people who chose to be childless.

I can't imagine life without my children and I can't imagine having ever even entertaining the thought of not having them. I'm not saying it's wrong by any means, just that it's one of those things I just can't wrap my mind around. Kind of like being a lesbian - I just don't get it!

I'm sure there are many 'parents' who didn't bear children of their own, but have stepped nicely into the roll of parent by having married a parent.

Know anyone like that?

I would think it's terribly challenging to step into the roll of being parent to a child that belongs to someone else and now that I think about it, my brother is the "father figure" to two children that belong to another man and he handles it nicely.

Are you like me and think it would be difficult to become a parent to children that way after having never been a parent before?

I'd love to hear some tales of Parenting by Choice.

Step by Step Comment Policy and Link Love

2007-04-10T11:33:00.000-04:00

COMMENT POLICY

Comments on this blog are made DOFOLLOW for the Google Spiders. Bascially this means that if you leave a comment on this blog, provide a link to your own blog, the Google Spiders will follow those links now.

If you would like to learn more about how you too can share the link love and offer up a little Google Juice, you can start by finding out if You're a Selfish Blogger.

Comments are moderated.

Spam will not be tolerated.

10 Best Ways to Be a Better Stepdad

2007-04-05T16:20:00.000-04:00

Blending families is like mixing breakfast cereals: You get the sweet Lucky Charms along with the oat bran and fiber. But merging families is difficult and can seem overwhelming. Here's how to make it work.

1. Know that you're in a big boat. One in three Americans is now a stepparent, a stepchild, stepsibling or some other member of a stepfamily. Simply knowing that others are going through similar challenges can be reassuring -- and a source of support.

2. Make your marriage the center of the family. Here's where blended and other families are no different: The kids should not be the center of the family, says family psychologist Mario Alonso, Ph.D., the "Ask the Head Coach" columnist for Best Life. The marriage should be. Studies have shown that children derive a sense of security when their biological parent and stepparent have a solid, loving marriage steeped in respect for each other.

3. Understand that you are viewed as an intruder. In the beginning, you will be thought of as an outsider in the family circle. Keep on the sidelines for a while. Trust takes time to build.

Continue Reading >>>

Unique Names for Step Parents

2007-04-02T11:23:00.001-04:00

What are some of the most unique names you've heard stepchildren calling their stepparents?

Tags: stepparent, stepchildren, nicknames, blended family, step mom, step dad

Deadbeats on Pizza Boxes

2007-03-28T11:14:00.000-04:00

Dang Ohio is really cracking down on perv's and deadbeats! Before long Ohio isn't going to be a safe place for anyone who appears on the sex offender list OR who doesn't pay their child support!

I think this is SO cool!

Years ago, my friend Angela and I had discussed how cool it would be if Budweiser would put pictures on beer cans! But then again, the only people that would likely see them are the deadbeats themselves.

I'm all for any program that publicly calls out perv's or people who deny their children child support.

Thoughts? Will this work? Should they take it a step or 10 further?

Should people who deny their children child support have their privacy protected?

It took my ex a month behind bars to show him how serious I am about Child Support. I don't ask for anything at all outside of that child support - and that's only at the rate of $100 per week, but since his little visit to jail, he's become a changed person and is now the responsible parent he should have been all along.

I make sure my kids know they should be proud of the changes their dad is making and when they talk to him, they make sure he knows everything his child support is doing for them. From contacts to shoes to school sports etc.

StepMom Blogs

2007-03-27T13:26:00.000-04:00

I thought it would be fun to take a quick drive around the net to see what StepMom blogs were out there.

Here's what I found:

The Wicked Stepmom

A Stepmom's Say

Being a Stepmom is Hard

Stepmom Land

The Stepfamily Life

Weevil Stepmother

I'm always on the lookout for Step blogs and Blended Family blogs. If you know where I can find a good one please let me know.

How Did I Get Here?

2007-03-23T09:46:00.000-04:00

People are too much work. I'm lonely. I miss having people drop by for dinner. I miss being able to vent about kids and not having everyone look all pained because of their sense of how horribly I stressed my kids. I do feel like the biggest "meanie" on the planet, and I can't figure out how I got here. I was coping. I was loving my kids. I fell in love. We're doing the best we can. Do you ever get absolution?

How many of you wake up one day wondering just how you got to this particular place in your life?

I've been there a few times myself. I used to travel a lot. I used to go to social events all over the U.S. I used to date famous people for crying out loud.

Now my day consists of work, laundry and an occasional phone call. But much like our commenter has pointed out, you wake up one day and feel like you've grown to a place of isolation and the people who once surrounded you, now run from you because you're the one with problems.

Advice, anyone?

Even if you don't have advice, perhaps you can join in to just share and lean.

Competitive Feelings Toward StepChildren

2007-03-23T09:33:00.000-04:00

Reader Submitted Discussion Topic:

Does anyone else feel competitive toward her step-daughters?

This question was left in the comment section and is obviously being expressed by a very frustrated mother.

If you have a comment you'd like to share but would rather not post in the comment section, please feel free to send it via email to share. Your email address will not be saved, distributed or sold - in fact, after I copy what's in the email, I'll delete it, period.

I can't say that I've felt competition within our own family dynamics but I certainly feel some frustrations with the outside influences.

I'm so bent on being fair to all our children and when extended family members don't respect that "boundary" it makes me feel like I have to pick up the slack from their deficiencies. So competitive feelings come into play in that area once in a while.

special note to commenter courtney -- I clicked your link but it didn't reveal anything. I would like to get in touch with you privately to discuss further options for your seeking readers, advice and support. If you would send me an email at the link above, I'd love to email with you.

Dealing with Outside Influences

2007-03-22T09:24:00.000-04:00

A Blended Family Reader has submitted a topic for discussion -- Please consider joining in with some of our discussions here. You can remain as private and anonymous as you like, we just believe that the best support and information comes from those who are living it.

How difficult has it been for you to deal with outside influences? Nosy people? People who constantly offer up unsolicited advice?

I'm very interested in this particular topic, because I've always been the "yes" girl and have always overextended myself for the benefit of others.

I've taken advice just to keep the peace...

I've gone places I didn't want to go with people I didn't want to go with - just to keep the peace...

How do you handle it without feeling like the biggest meany on the planet?

Teens and Driving

2007-03-19T12:11:00.000-04:00

I'm a little curious as how blended families handle teens and driving situations. Heck, even those families that aren't blended - how do you handle it?

My husband and I will have FOUR teens of legal driving age all within a three year time frame.

I take the position that they CAN NOT get their license until they:

prove beyond doubt that are responsible enough to handle it
are getting good grades consistently
have worked and saved enough money to pay for at least HALF the car

Obviously, NO new cars for the kids. Heck, if I can't afford one, they aren't getting one either.

I'm not going to work myself into a grave and cut corners THAT drastically just to make sure that four kids have their license, have a car, insurance and plate. Nothin' doin'!

So, how would YOU handle it?

Punishment for Grades

2007-03-13T10:43:00.000-04:00

It's getting to be that time again and now that we are a Blended Family in the truest sense, I was wondering if some of you blended parents might chime in on the whole grades/report card issue.

What sort of punishments do you dole out for bringing home grades that are below the child's true potential?

I say "true potential" because we have a couple of children that work their tails off for a C average. Confirmed by teachers and tests.

Just wondering - because hubby says I'm too soft sometimes.

Blended Family Open Thread

2007-03-12T12:30:00.000-04:00

I'd like to invite others who are searching the net for information on Blended Families to leave a comment here indicating exactly what the problem is, what answers they hope to find and if there are any resources out there they've found beneficial that I could actually mention here on Step by Step.

I can't promise I'll have the answers, but your help would give me a good guide to go by when coming up with content here on Step by Step.

Second Wives Club

2007-03-08T13:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes being the "second wife" has a whole set of unique challenges and no matter how much you'd like to depend on your close family and friends, there just isn't a replacement for the support of someone who is actually living a life parallel to yours.

The mission of Second Wives Club is to provide a safe haven for women who are currently involved in a second marriage or relationship or who is involved in a blended family. Second Wives Club provides a network where you can communicate with others who share common interests, issues, concerns and complaints - you'll find you can give and receive support, information, and friendship.

"The Second Wives Club.com" encourages the building and maintaining of co-operative relationships both within the club and the family. To help develop positive attitudes and behaviors and to enable women in blended family situations to live and grow with confidence, respect, and zeal as a wife, mother, and individual.

Toxic Relationships - Recommended Reading

2007-03-07T11:30:00.000-05:00

We've all got them - Toxic Relationships! And whether or not your relationship with your in-laws is toxic or not, this is a great read to help prevent it from ever going that direction. Protecting your family should be most important and when you can't seem to get that priority in place, nothing else seems to fall into line either.

This is a great read and one of the most difficult challenges I faced myself. I didn't realize people couldn't read my actions so much or couldn't anticipate what I might need. Being verbal is a must and this book is a great start to becoming more vocal in your relationships.

Relationship Woes Overwhelming?

2007-03-06T15:09:00.000-05:00

A while back I placed a link in the right column of this blog. I've visited often and read some of the relationship issues some are dealing with, but never took the time to fully introduce the link.

Love, Honor, and Dismay is written by Dr. Andrew McAllister, Ph.D. It's not so much 'written' as it is providing answers, possible solutions and even hope when a relationship seems to be in such despair.

I urge everyone seeking answers or even solutions to visit Love, Honor, and Dismay and read through the archives. I'm sure you'll find you're certainly not alone and if you're willing to take that step a bit further, drop him an email and see what possible solutions he can dish up for you.

Let me know what you think! Would ya?

March ushered in like a lion

2007-03-02T12:49:00.000-05:00

And this is what my front yard looked like -- this is normally an empty ditch that's fairly deep.

Was not a fun day - especially when hubby wound up in the ER suffering from mild hypothermia and hyperventilation.

Doc said he should have listened to his wife!

Visitation Guidelines - Flexible or Not?

2007-03-01T12:22:00.000-05:00

Having never been in the position of having to worry about such things, I am finding myself a bit baffled on this topic.

Granted, I understand that visitations are set by courts when two parents can't get along. Here's the confusing part:

I want to know is what happens when one parent forgos their weekend. Do they pick up the following weekend or do they forfeit that visit altogether?

I'm sure there are others out there besides me who don't understand these 'rules' of divorce.

I've always let my children make their own decisions on whether or not to have visitation time with their father and we've never had a problem whatsoever.

But, I guess that comes with the territory when you have an amicable divorce. It hasn't always been this way, it's just what it's evolved in to.

MySpace - A parental nightmare

2007-02-27T14:02:00.000-05:00

A US Federal Judge says that MySpace is legally protected from any liability as a result of external criminal acts that have been committed by people misrepresenting themselves to other MySpace users. Judge Sam Sparks of the U.S. District Court for the Western district of Texas ruled that the 1996 Communications Decency Act excludes web providers and ‘information intermediaries’ from the action of their members when it comes to criminal acts involving content. This is intended to protect service providers from being put out of business by never ending lawsuits resulting from the actions of people over whom they have no real control. Read More

Just recently a situation came up in a family I know. A teen had been corresponding with someone claiming to be 'out of state' and 'close in age' - so the teen, after what I would consider to be a brief correspondence history, gave this stranger a phone number and thus began a line of verbal communication.

I suppose the thing that torments me most about this issue is that if I am geek enough to be able to take a phone number and map myself right to a persons front door, then how many others out there are capable of doing the same?

Also, just because a phone number is given and it checks out to be an 'out of state' number, does that necessarily mean the person is out of state and not quite possibly a few doors away?

I just don't think teens take these situations seriously enough.

I'd be interested in hearing some of your experiences, how you handle them and how you get it through the thick skull of a teen that the internet, though a fun place to hang out, can be a very dangerous place just the same.

Ever Heard of Thomas Hilfiger?

2007-02-21T15:28:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought my twins were getting old enough to not come off with saying those 'cute' little things anymore...

While driving home last evening, the sun was just setting enough that most homes were turning their lights on.

There's a new log home just up the road that's been completed recently and this was our first time of seeing it at dusk.

From the back seat my son lets out a sigh of admiration and says "look mom, it looks like a Thomas Hilfiger painting."

After a bit of laughter on my part, my other son chimed in from the back... "You are SO blogged! Isn't he mom?"

Ahhh my kids still got it! My precious parenting moments haven't come to a complete end.

Monday Morning Blended Keyword Search

2007-02-19T08:52:00.000-05:00

While reviewing my stats this morning, as I do most Monday mornings, it occurred to me that I should publish those stats and show others they're not alone in what they are looking for. Naturally, Blended Family and Blended Family Blog are rating high on the search terms, however, the one's that I find somewhat disturbing are:

meddling adult step children
how to figure out if a step-coupling marriage can be saved
step by step process of divorce

Certainly if the problem is between the parents, the focus should be there. I've always felt that the children will be around until they are out of school or on their own feet and then it's down to just you and your spouse. Can you hold out that long? Is the problem deeper then it appears? Is the problem really in the stepchildren at all or are they just an easy excuse? I've heard many other situations in which it wasn't the children at all, but more on the shoulders of the in-laws? Be sure you are calling out the issues as they should be. It's only when the problem has a solid diagnosis that it can be addressed, treated or dismissed. Next I'm seeing lots of people getting here searching for:

blended family problem forum (this week)

and in previous weeks reviews:

blended family forum
stepfamilies forum
stepmom forum

One of the best forums I've found for both reading and participating is this FORUM at Life in a Blender.

And hopefully, those searching ex wife blogs are getting here to either realize what they can do in the best interest of their children or share with other blended families what can be done to help make this transition much easier on everyone involved.

I'd like to also extend this invitation - If you are in a blended family and would like to submit a letter or post to be displayed here on Blended Family Blog, I'd be happy to do so.

I think it's important for those struggling in their blended families to share their experiences and this is one additional way that step-families can share their experiences and request advice in an anonymous setting.

If you have something to say, please feel free to leave your comment anonymously on this forum and I'll be glad to move it to the postings section.

Illinois Stepdad lucky he made it to trial

2007-02-17T16:10:00.000-05:00

If this had been the stepdad of my daughter and had done something like this? I'd have saved the taxpayers of Illinois a heap by offing the lame excuse for human being right there.

Hopefully Illinois is speedier at carrying out such penalties then most states. We should all be like Texas - install an express lane on death row already!

This does make a parent stop to think - or it should! When you're divorced and lonely make sure you take the time to get to know your partners better before inviting them into your home and into you life full time.

Suffer the children?

2007-02-15T10:22:00.000-05:00

The article referenced below shows a clear indication that Americans live to work while other countries work to live. I believe if more families were being raised by one parent being able to stay at home (or work from home) we'd see these statistics skew quite a bit in the more positive direction.

On Wednesday February 14th Unicef published a report comparing the well-being of young people in 21 rich countries, and concluded that British and American youths endure the worst quality of life of any.

In fact, as the authors of the UN report admit, such broad conclusions need to be kept in some perspective. Many of the data presented are hardly new or surprising: who did not already know that rates of teenage pregnancy are high in Britain, or that junk-food-guzzling kids are getting dangerously fat in America? Accurate comparisons of social and educational trends, between countries, are also notoriously tricky to make. Perhaps most important, the report could cast more light (though it does give some) on how child welfare is changing over time. Rates of infant mortality, child deaths caused by accidents or other scores of health and safety, for example, show that children in all these rich countries in fact enjoy an historically unparalleled quality of life.

Where Britain and America really score badly, however, is in the categories of relationships and risky behaviour. British and American children apparently spend less time (and eat fewer meals) with their parents, compared with the other countries, and seem to be somewhat less happy with their friends and in school.

Complete article found at The Economist

I'm especially interested in just what people are thinking? Why would you choose to bring children into a world to be raised by hired help? Certainly I understand there are many parents who don't have the choice but to work outside the home, but those who are 'career' driven and make the conscious decision to have children and rush back to work - WHY?

Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce

2007-02-13T14:26:00.000-05:00

The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce

One readers review:

I went through a high-conflict divorce in Connecticut in 2004, complete with restraining orders, police, and the whole 9 yards. As I saw the divorce approaching, I researched a great deal of divorce/parenting literature on my own, hoping to find a framework of something my (soon-to-be) ex and I could agree to work with, and I found this book. I read it and gave a copy to my ex. I also found an divorce/custody attorney who would focus on our children's interests, and his very first recommendation was to get this book and see Dr. Thayer in her practice jointly with my ex.

I'm grateful I had the expertise of Dr. Thayer to help me let go of conflicts I had with my ex. The guiding principle of the book and her joint practice (which is called The Peace Program) is to transform a personal, contentious relationship with an ex into a business-like relationship focused on the children's welfare. In a high-conflict divorce, this is a very difficult objective -- conflict can be blinding and all-consuming -- but it is possible, and the energy is of course better spent on the children.

The book outlines suggestions to facilitate parenting business, such as a weekly parenting phone call (a business call) and a dozen Golden Parenting Rules. In the end, after the parents extinguish their fighting, the children get their parents back, and a good deal of their childhood back, because the parents choose to work together as co-parents. Through the 18 months I've been using this book, I find myself living in various chapters of it, depending on the evolution of my divorce. As the children get older, new issues arise, and the book remains on the top shelf of my bookshelf, where my most useful books reside.

Joint Custody with a Jerk

2007-02-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex, A Hands on, practical guide to coping with custody issues that arise with an uncooperative ex-spouse

One readers review:

I personally think everyone regardless of their status should read this book. It's a great communication tool. Very quick read; simple; easy to read and understand. Personally I've found it to be a great help in dealing with many different situations, especially in times of conflict, that have almost impossible or non-existant positive communication.

This book makes it simple and easy to understand just how powerful taking responsibility for ones own issues and communication can be. It gives the reader a clear and concise way to gain control over themselves and their communication and hand back to the other party that which does not belong to the reader. I've bought this book for many of my friends and they have all felt like it was a valuable read not only when dealing with an ex-spouse, but also in many other situations where one finds ones self dealing with conflict.

If you have a comment regarding this book, I'd love to have you share your thoughts.

Word Association Game - Blended Family Style

2007-02-12T12:35:00.000-05:00

Here’s how it works — Simply post the first word that comes to mind when you read the word in the comment that appears just above where yours will be. The next person will comment with the word that first comes to mind when they read your word.

I'll start:

Given that we're expecting a huge snow storm - the word I'll start with is:

Snow

Next?

It's Not All About You

2007-02-12T08:51:00.000-05:00

First - a word for today --- narcissist - inordinate fascination with oneself - A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.

Now that the condition has a name - perhaps the person I'm talking to can get some help. Because in the end, as much as this person would like to think everything is about them, it's not.

I've been very troubled by a situation that has come up because of a post I made. Apparently I know a few cheaters and not just one. Over the weekend I've received a few calls. It's amazing at just how easily such a cryptic message can draw out or expose the guilty. One from a relative asking if my post was about cousin Billy Jo*. One from my mother asking if it was a person she knew and then I received a phone call from a child in tears saying they were being blamed for my post.

Since I know the person blaming that child has taken to reading my blogs as if they were a car crash in progress and visiting as much as three times a day now, I will state right here - for the record, the post was NOT about you - it happened to be about an ex relative of mine - but I felt the information to be pertinent enough in the bigger picture, that I wanted to let potential cheaters all over know they should keep the kids out of their adulterous rendezvous.

You totally made a complete fool of yourself and hurt and innocent child. You owe that child a huge apology - are you grown up enough to handle that?

If you have something to say or issues to take up with me, then take them up with me. Don't use that poor child as a messenger.

Gosh I feel boring

2007-02-11T21:47:00.000-05:00

Compared to the other mother's on here, I feel like I'm way boring.

I'm just glad it's them and not me.

Oh, I'm Mim by the way

My Thoughts Are Not My Own

2007-02-11T21:09:00.000-05:00

It's so unfortunate that some adults don't realize that other adults are quite capable of establishing their own thoughts, opinions and conclusions.

Apparently someone very innocent is being blamed for my thoughts and opinions so forgive me if I may be a bit cryptic over the next several weeks.

In the meantime, note to adults - when you have a problem or issue with another adult - confront that adult or cower in the corner those are your two choices - but blaming a child is not one of them.

Letters from Children of Divorce

2007-02-11T10:52:00.000-05:00

Blended Kids - Letters from Children of Divorce. Though the title says "children of divorce" it can be letters from anyone who has had their life impacted by divorce. Whether it's your parents, yourself, whomever.

Over the last several years I've learned there is no way for all the courts to truly know what's really best for the children - because NO two families are alike. Try as they might, to make the best decisions, watching the evening news is a testament to the fact that they're not always right.

As a child of divorce myself, I feel as though I have somewhat a clearer understanding of what the needs of children of divorce are versus what someone who has never been divorced might believe.

Thus the idea for people from all over the world to share their own thoughts and letters on what's best for them. What hurts them most? What they wish their parents would do? What they should have done? How should parents handle divorce from a child's perspective.

At the same time, being a divorced woman myself, I would like to invite parents who are divorced to share their letters as well. God knows there are many secrets I've had to keep from my kids that I hope one day they'll forgive me for. This is also a place for people like me to share those secrets - so that perhaps other parents in similar situations will find support, encouragement and inspiration.

With statistics indicating that most families are now blended or divorced - I truly believe the best way to strengthen the latest trend in family dynamics is through the personal experiences and letters from those who have been there and are living it.

If you are divorced, know someone who is - or know a child of divorce, please share this site and option with them. When they get angry, hurt or depressed - I'd like for this to become one new avenue in which they can reach out to take therapeutic measures to get beyond that pain and at the very least connect with others like themselves.

Thanks so much for your help spreading this blog around - the kids are really very excited about this. I hope they can read the letters from other kids who are in similar situations and realize they're aren't quite as different as they'd thought.

This is entirely the kids project - I just do a bit of the web work stuff and will filter some of the letters for "content" purposes of course. They are in charge of all the posting and development.

Note to Cheaters with Children

2007-02-06T13:05:00.000-05:00

Just because a child isn't fully able to articulate verbally what they've seen or participated in, doesn't mean they won't remember at a later time when they can.

For years, I know of a parent who kept telling their children that their other parent was the one that cheated on them and that was the cause of the divorce.

For several years that followed the divorce, the parent kept discussing this same situation with the children, in obvious effort to erase the true memories from their minds and replace it with suggested memories.

Didn't work!

In fact, just about a year ago the kids were talking with their grandmother. Just chit chatting away about a movie they'd seen at some point. When the older child blurted out something to the tune of "remember when we were little and ____ took us to so and so's house that one night?"

Sudden silence --

The truth was out, the truth remembered and no amount of lies was going to cover it up. It was at that precise moment that one child developed real trust issues with one parent and in fact has vowed to "never trust the lying ------" again... while the other struggles with their own variations of just why something like that would happen.

If you're going to cheat on your spouse, it's not a good idea to take your kids along, regardless of how little they are or how few words they know. The memory is much more powerful then you'd like to think.

Adult Children of Divorce

2007-02-05T13:02:00.000-05:00

I'm looking for Adult Children of Divorce who would be willing to answer a few questions for me as part of an article that I'm putting together.

This article won't be featured in any major magazine, but what it will do is to help me find some happy medium between what I personally know, feel and believe as an adult child of divorce versus what our court systems THINK children today 'need' from their divorcing parents.

Personally, I don't think they have a very good handle on the whole divorce thing because they still have the same old mindset that all children belong with their mother - which we all know couldn't be further from the truth.

I'm finding myself very torn between what the courts expect from me now as a stepmother versus what I know as a child of divorce.

I think children of divorce know best, but who am I?

Perhaps if I had more people who come from similar backgrounds helping in this soul searching experience, I could find a happy place between the two.

If you're interested in helping with this proposition, please leave a comment here on how I can contact you - or I'll find a way to be in touch.

Mothers-in-law fuel Italy's soaring divorce rate

2007-02-05T12:50:00.000-05:00

Not that this will come as a surprise to too many, it's just nice to have something to back you up on your position when needed...

Italy is experiencing an unprecedented rise in marriage break-ups, according to a new report, with interfering mothers-in-law bearing a high proportion of the blame.

A new poll by research institute Eures reveals a divorce happens every four minutes in a country once regarded as a bastion of marriage.

In 2002, Italy recorded 50,828 divorces - a 45 per cent increase from 2000. Marrying too young, squabbling over money and meeting new partners are often cited for the rising divorce rate but three out of 10 marriages fail because of the unusually close attachment of Italian men to their mothers.

Living in the same house or nearby, she puts strains on a couple's relationship by meddling in their affairs, finding fault with her daughter-in-law and treating her grown-up son as a child.

'In Italy there still exists a sort of mother love that is excessive,' said psychologist Dr Annamaria Cassanese, who says she sees many disillusioned daughters-in-law at her practice in Milan. 'It is a very Latin thing, deeply embedded in our social structure. For example, you will see mothers crying at the weddings of their sons, but they are not crying for joy, they are crying because they feel devastated. Their son has chosen another woman and it arouses very complex feelings, including jealousy.'

Cassanese points to two types of extreme Italian mother-in-law. One refuses to give in to ageing and sees her daughter-in-law as a rival, the other has dedicated her life to her family and expects payback for life.

Among the wiles of the latter type of mother-in-law is offering to do chores such as cooking, ironing and babysitting. 'This can often be the beginning of an invasion, in which the mother-in-law slowly takes over and undermines the woman in her own home,' she says. 'What starts out being portrayed as something that is helpful degenerates into outright intrusion such as going into drawers and pulling out shirts that are not ironed "her way" or monopolising the kitchen. Wives feel like strangers in their own homes because the mother-in-law is always there.'

The fact that many Italian parents help out their children financially by buying them apartments or cars can also lead them to expect something in return, adds Dr Cassanese. She said many couples still obey invitations to eat with their parents three or four times a week.

The concept of mammoni - sons who cling to apron strings - is well known in Italy and it is not uncommon for men in their thirties and forties to live with their parents. The reasons are partly economic but also come about because boys are indulged well into adulthood in a way that would not be acceptable in other countries. Italian men who remain close to their mothers are emotionally immature, according to Dr Cassanese:

'The husband is used to being adored and when he doesn't get that unconditional love from his wife, he goes running back to his mother.' She has counselled women who complain their husbands phone their mothers too often, discuss marital difficulties with them and make them feel marginalised. She said struggling Italian couples should try to seek professional help to get their marriages back on track before the damage becomes irreversible.

This article found via the Guardian Unlimited

Wanted: Post-Divorce Stories for Magazine Article

2007-02-05T12:44:00.000-05:00

Darn Divorce has posted a call for article participants who would be willing to conduct an interview for the May 2007 issue of Best Life Magazine.

Check complete details and contact information here on Darn Divorce

Making Painful Decisions

2007-02-01T14:29:00.000-05:00

One reader has written in with the following:

My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and in that time, we've had so many people telling us what to do, we don't even know what it's like to be a family.

We started off in financial struggles because of a layoff so soon after we were married. Because of our own struggles, family members have stepped in to help, but because of that help, we are not placed in the position of being reminded all the time of the help that was given.

It doesn't matter that much of what was given has been repaid - it's still a constant reminder that we owe them.

These same family members stress the blended family boundaries and cause tension within our household. I've tried to get my husband to do something about it - because my efforts have failed.

Shy of moving to outer Mongolia and without phones and internet, what can we do to create a home that's free of outside influences that place so much stress on this marriage that I'm not sure I even want to stay in it anymore? Depression is becoming the norm in my everyday life.

Help

I don't feel that I'm in a position to provide the best advice, so I'm placing this letter on the Blended Family Blog in hopes that others with blended family experience can chime in with some support and advice.

Sometimes being a Stepmom is beyond tough

2007-01-29T14:28:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been placed in the position where you've been told something by one a stepchild and was asked not to tell their parents?

A reader has been placed in that very position. Something has been going on with one of their stepchildren while they are at their biological mom's house. They've been asked not to tell and agreed at first, but later had to re-think that position. Following careful explanation to that child it was decided they would talk with the father about it.

Do you know what's going on in your child's life? Are you the kind of parent your child wants to confide in? If you aren't sure, it might be time to start thinking about it - because they might just end up talking to someone who will keep their secret.

If you've been there? Do you have some wisdom or advice you'd like to share with other blended families?

There's a BYOB Party and Everyone's Invited

2007-01-27T21:24:00.000-05:00

Have you heard the news? There's a BYOB party and Everyone is invited!

Open Letter to All Custodial Parents

2007-01-26T14:49:00.000-05:00

Dear Parent ~
Do you not realize how much your actions against the non-custodial parent are hurting your children?

Do you not realize that by using your children as a source to get your digs in, you are gradually pushing them away - and just like any fine straw, once it's broken, it's not likely it can ever be mended.

If you don't want your child to participate in something, do certain sports, take piano lessons, join under water basket weaving or whatever, tell them. Don't place the non-custodial parent in the position of having to tell that child no and hurt their feelings.

Do not tell your children their other parent isn't paying support. That only makes you look criminal when they are shown the proof that their 'other parent' is providing for them well within the guidelines of the law and then some.

In many cases, one parent has already taken enough away from the other parent by placing them in the position where they can only see their children 4 days out of the month. That's a huge sacrifice, especially for a parent who truly cares.

If you still love that parent, too bad. You should have thought about that before you divorced.

Adults should take responsibility for their own actions. Let the children be children and let them enjoy their four days per month with their other parent without having to worry about being a messenger to the other parent.

You've made your bed - now let them be kids.

Dakota Fanning - Hounddog and Parenting

2007-01-26T09:41:00.000-05:00

There's been a great deal of controversy surrounding the new Dakota Fanning movie Hounddog.

Hounddog reportedly includes a scene in which a character played by 12-year-old actress Dakota Fanning is raped by a teenage boy. I've seen several interviews with people associated with the movie as well as hearing and reading many of the reviews or disses associated with the controversial film. I'm interested in hearing and reading more points of view on this topic. Being the parent of two teens and two stepchildren that are teens, I'm finding this rather tough to digest. Just this week, my boys came home telling of a girl, 12-years-old, in the 6th grade at their school that suspected she was pregnant. Don't you think kids are being forced to grow up far more quickly these days than were even 10 years ago? Why is it that it takes so much more "shock" to entertain us these days?

I can't help but think that Hollywood is exploiting this 12-year-old just to sell tickets and the future impact it will have on Dakota herself will be catastrophic.

How far would you drive for this gas?

2007-01-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

If a gas station/convenience store chain like this came to your state, how far would you be willing to drive to fuel up?

How far are you willing to really go to support this effort and help them to keep expanding?

A gas station about to open in Omaha and is being called Terror Free Oil, and the idea is to offer consumers petroleum products from countries that do not sponsor terror. - KETV Omaha, Nebraska

Terror Free Oil Coming to a Gas Station Near You!!!

Me personally, I could easily say I would drive at least a half an hour to get to the fueling point.

Are you having Blended Family problems?

2007-01-22T20:18:00.001-05:00

We've all been there - we've all extended beyond the end of our ropes - but we all have one thing in common - the need and desire to find answers - otherwise we wouldn't be here on the net seeking websites that pertain to blended families.

If you have a blended family issue you'd like to share and perhaps gain a bit of support and advice on from those who are living it with you - let us know. Drop a comment in a post here on this blog and we'll gladly move your issue to the front so others can chime in.

Technorati Tags: blended family, step family, step mom, step kids, step dad, ex, ex wife, ex husband

Just what is dad supposed to do anyway?

2007-01-18T15:41:00.001-05:00

In a blended family, the father usually has the visitation weekends, right?

Well, on those visitation weekends, what is it that dad is supposed to do?

I've got a few friends who are constantly talking about how they do the laundry - clean up after the step-kids, make sure they are fed, etc.

If you were in such a situation, how would you handle it?

I thought the stepmom was supposed to be a bonus, not the caretaker of the stepchildren.

I'll admit, I've found myself a bit frustrated at times, but my stepkids are teens and can pretty much take care of themselves. I Am the lucky one!

As for my friends, they've got little stepkids - and a handful of responsibility I don't think they quite banked on.

Technorati Tags: blended family, stepmom, stepkids, visitation, responsibility

Merry Christmas Everyone

2006-12-25T21:21:00.000-05:00

I've not been around so much lately and with very good cause...

This year for Christmas, my family was able to meet my six-year-old niece for the very first time.

I can't tell you how special it was to have her in our lives for an entire 6 days. As you can imagine, we were all very busy cramming 6 years into 6 days.

She'll be back in February and then again in the summer - but for the first time, I'm able to be a REAL Aunt!

She's so beautiful I didn't want to take my eyes off her. I could see so much of my little brother in her eyes. It was truly a holiday my family will treasure, always!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Inside My Heart

2006-12-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

I've just added this book to my Christmas list - has anyone read it?

I'm such a huge fan of Dr. Phil and Robin - I admire her as a wife and a mother and regardless of how stressful her life must be - she always seems to glow.

I'm looking for projects for my winter reading - I like books that will help enhance my own marriage and I just love Chick Lit Humor!

Care to suggest a few?

Technorati Tags : books, robin+mcgraw, dr+phil, marriage, reading, winter+projects, wish+list

What do your kids want for Christmas?

2006-11-29T11:25:00.000-05:00

How many other parents of teens are having a hard time buying for their kids?

My kids just keep saying they want money! Money, money, money! ACK I'm sick of it!

I don't want to give them money! I don't want to give them gift cards! I want REAL gifts under the tree for them to open at Christmas!

What fun is it, opening up an envelope? I do that every day and let me tell you, it's NOT fun!

This is my first year as a parent of teens so I'm going to need a little help!

Any advice? Tips? Ideas?

Do tell! PLEASE!

Technorati Tags : Christmas, family, holidays, teens, gift+ideas

It is called "Move on and let go"

2006-11-17T12:29:00.000-05:00

This is my two cents (or maybe more) to "why ex-wives cannot seem to see their ex husbands happy". For some reason they do not understand that the word divorce means they have severed the "once united"

I feel it is actually a personal thing with them that if the Ex husband has found happiness and can or is getting along with another woman....Well it is a reflection of their own failure. We all know how hard it is to admit when we are wrong and to try to right it, some continue on in denial while us others suck it up and do whatever is necessary. Now if the husband happened to be the reason for the breakup then I feel it is that "Why wasn't he that way with me?" Still somehow a reflection of their own.

My husbands' ex threw him away, didn't love him anymore, didn't want to be with him anymore, divorced him etc. etc. UNTIL he started to date me....then it was a whole different story. They do have children together and she cannot even stand the fact that they Like me. She poisons their innocent little minds with all kinds of things like "if you love mommy you won't like her".

Again, what part of divorce do they not understand. Just because they were once united, and just because they have children together doesn't mean that they can forget all sense of civility a still make rules for their Ex husband to abide by, JEESH

Another person once said that it really had nothing to with "the new partner" personally that it was just the mother not wanting anyone else "mothering" their children. A sense of insecurity. The desire for the children to think that MOM is the greatest and Dad well, he's just ok. Either way I know that I was so excited when my ex-husband re-married and was happy. (he didn't have a reason to argue with me anymore, LOL) I was also excited that she treated my daughter very well and has no problem with me. We can all actually be in the same household together and all is fine!

Our daughter's grad party was at my house and ALL sides of the family were there and everyone forgot all about the differences because why? Our daughter was the important one!

Our daughter is married now and has a baby and it was only a few weeks ago that I was at my ex's house with his wife playing with our grandbaby in their living room floor cutting up about how things were when our daughter was young! That is a terrific feeling! Especially because it has not always been that way. It took us several years to get over the whole ordeal.
My point is that being a parent means that we have to always put our children before our own selfishness.

Should Sick Kids Stay Home?

2006-11-05T09:45:00.000-05:00

Whenever my kids are sick, I always keep them home. I don't care what's going on, I don't want my kids to run the risk of getting more sick and I certainly don't want to expose other people to the sickness. Especially babies and older folks.

Now, my question is -

When there are children of a divorce and it's the non-custodial parents visitation weekend, how do you handle the sick child?

Do you send them anyway and expose everyone to the sickness while running the risk of the child getting sicker

Would you phone the non-custodial parent and try to work out a switching arrangement so the child would have time to recover?

I'm kind of stuck in my ways on this one and would like to know if other parents would consider me "wrong" in my stance. I may have to consider changing my view at some point, but for now, I'm open to suggestions.

Am I being overprotective of my kids - keeping them home when they have a sore throat and are congested with a low grade fever?

Technorati Tags : blended+family, visitation, custody, stepkids, stepmom, sick+kids

Junk Mail Fixer

2006-10-15T08:29:00.000-04:00

I found the most amazing article in this month's Woman's Day and just HAD to share.

If you are anything like me, I HATE getting all that junk mail - whether it's via email or snail mail.

Well now there's something that can be done about putting an end to most of it!

Check This (link) !

Technorati Tags : junk_mail, consumer_alerts, spam, solicitations, marketing, email

I'm a Real Work at Home Mom!

2006-09-26T17:24:00.000-04:00

And now I have a forum where I'm sharing all my secrets to just how I make my living right here from the comforts of my own home!

If you or someone you know is interested in working from home or earning a little extra money - send them my way! It's all totally free and entirely honest! As honest as one person can be! Or two! Because I'm taking my Work at Home Mom friend Angela with me on this ride :)

Stop over, say hello and join in the discussions - it's brand new and I could use some company over there!

It's sure to be a great resource very soon! But I can't do it alone :)

Technorati Tags : work+at+home+mom, wahm, telecommuting, finance, money, mom, personal

Free Forums for Blogs

2006-09-22T09:07:00.000-04:00

My friend Angela introduced me to this message board where you can create free polls and link back to them as much as you'd like. Angela has created a poll for each of her blogs so that she can get feedback from her readers which is a brilliant idea to find out what appeals to the audience of each.

I would love it if you would check it out and let me know what you think. I'm thinking of creating forums for each of my blogs as well. I think it's a great resource to help bring the blogosphere a little closer and to help focus on topics that are of most interest.

I agree with Angela in that sometimes blogs need forums because so often readers want to talk about things that are not necessarily post related - you know how a post on a hurricane can end up being about Bush and his latest vacation? Well here's a great place to allow the conversation to take it's not-so-natural direction without confusing the whole blogosphere.

While readers can't start a new thread on your blog they sure can start one if there is a forum to coincide with that particular blog. So over on this Zero Jooce Buzz forum you can contact the site owner and ask to have a forum made for your blog. I'm not sure but I think they are taking the first five bloggers that make a request to see how it works out. So you should make your request pronto to make sure your space is one of the first to try this new concept.

I think it's a great idea. If you decide to have them create a forum for you, you will be made the moderator of your own forum. This also works out if you are super busy and low on funds for forum hosting.

This makes a GREAT addition to those utilizing the free blogging services such as blogger that don't offer a forums feature.

I'm going to sign up for my own, but in my excitement about this option - I decided to let others in on this little tip too!

Let me know what you think! K?

Technorati Tags : message+boards, free+forums, blog+forums, blogging, weblog

How Did You Divorce?

2006-09-17T20:26:00.000-04:00

Laws making divorce easier, which came into vogue in the late 1960s, have made the experience less harrowing for many couples. The social stigma once attached to divorce has almost disappeared. However, the statistic that almost 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce seems to be an urban myth. Researcher George Barna's most 2001 survey of Americans estimates that only 34 percent of those who have ever been married have ever been divorced. A 2005 report released by the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS), based on a 1995 nationwide study of approximately 11,000 women ages 15-44, predicted that one-third of new marriages among younger people will end in divorce within 10 years and 43 percent within 15 years. So, not quite one-half, but still a considerable number of marriages will end eventually.

This is partly due to demographics; people live longer than they did 100 years ago, so there is much more time for relationships to go sour. In addition, better employment opportunities for women allow them to leave abusive or tepid marriages, whereas previous generations of women would have no choice, due to financial considerations, except to stay in such unions.

In cases of divorce, many couples make predictable mistakes. People start off by thinking they're not going to lose their cool, or their money and property, and wind up doing just that. However, it is possible to avoid a lot of unnecessary grief by learning from the experiences of couples who have gone through the process.

Divorce is inevitably painful, but it is possible to end a marriage with a minimum amount of expense and drama. It is not necessary to make lifelong enemies out of the former spouse and in-laws, or spend thousands of dollars in legal bills, just to get on with your life. Therefor this article lists ten of the most common pitfalls of divorce and how to avoid them.

The first mistake is taking actions that will effect your rights even before filing for divorce. The concept of "precedent" or doing things the way they have been done previously is an important legal principle. It is often a deciding factor in child custody and other divorce issues. For example, if one parent moves out and leaves the child with the other parent, it becomes difficult for the leaving parent to get custody. Also, if you make certain payments to your spouse without a court order, it may be difficult to later convince a judge that you can't afford to continue making them.

The second common error is giving too much control over the proceedings to a divorce lawyer. Lawyers are professionals trained to represent a client's interests in court, and it is important to listen carefully to the lawyer's legal advice. But if you see the division of property or the custody of children being decided in ways you do not like, do not hesitate to speak up. It's your divorce, not the lawyer's, and you're the one who's going to have to live with the results. It is in the lawyer's interest to stretch out a court case and battle over every small detail, but the legal bill for this can be staggering. Reign in an overly-aggressive lawyer.

The third mistake is to start dividing property without first making a thorough inventory. Be sure to make a complete list of all property, and any debts incurred as a couple.

The fourth mistake is spending too much time and money letting lawyers gather information. The legal term for this is discovery, and it covers interrogatories, requests for the production of documents, requests for admissions, and legal depositions. Lawyers thrive on this because it represents many billable hours, and keeps the lawyer firmly in control of the proceedings. Use mediation or an internet financial preparation kit instead, before you even go to the lawyer. Make sure to document absolutely everything that will affect your financial future, including all assets, investment funds and retirement pensions.

Mistake number five is allowing friends and family to influence the proceeding with their opinions. Meddlesome relatives often have their own agendas; don't be afraid to rely on your own judgment.

The sixth mistake is neglecting the issue of taxes and asset appreciation/depreciation. Don't get divorced without considering the tax implications of concessions. It is possible to get an unpleasant financial surprise years down the road in the form of an unexpected tax bill. For instance, two stock portfolios of equivalent dollar value might really be worth completely different amounts, depending on capital gains. Rather than accepting a Mercedes worth $35,000, for example, it may be wiser to take a mutual fund with the same current market value. The car will depreciate; the fund, if chosen wisely, will appreciate.

An accountant will help you understand the future financial implications of your decisions. Consult with a CPA before finalizing the divorce agreement, as most divorce lawyers are unskilled in this area. It is one of the main reasons for financial losses due to divorce.

Mistake number seven is trying to be "nice" either out of guilt for leaving the relationship or to try and win back the former spouse. It never works, and only breeds contempt and resentment in the minds of both partners. Be fair to yourself and your financial investment in the relationship, and assert your right to a fair share of property. However, remember that a fair split is not necessarily an even split. For instance, in dividing investments, one spouse may not mind taking over a risky stock portfolio in its entirety, whereas the other may prefer to keep the relatively secure bond fund.

The eighth mistake is failing to untangle all joint finances. Once a relationship ends, the former partners will have little incentive to help each other. Your financial future could be jeopardized if your former spouse defaults on payments, commits fraud, goes bankrupt, or becomes disabled. You might also be liable for any debt that your spouse has incurred under your name. Be sure to cut or minimize all financial ties before the divorce is finalized.

The ninth mistake is failing to take into account the amount of time needed to get your career back on track. Women who gave up their careers when they got married often find it difficult to support themselves after divorcing in middle age. Don't underestimate the time and money required for job training or resuming an old business.

The tenth mistake is having unrealistic expectations. After divorce, many people, especially women, wind up with less money than they started with. Don't expect unlimited freedom, as a tight budget will prevent this. Also, don't expect a divorce to solve individual emotional or personal problems. Without psychological counseling, many people who divorce wind up remarrying someone just like their old spouse. A divorce should be a stepping-stone to a new life, not just a chance to recreate an unhealthy paradigm with a new partner.

About the Author

J Schipper does not like divorces Tax Attorneys Bankruptcy help Anxiety Help

Technorati Tags : divorce, blended+families, step+family, step+mom, step+dad, step+kids

New kid on the block

2006-09-14T11:22:00.000-04:00

There's a new networking forum in town and I'd like to ask that ya'all hop over and participate.

This forum will be growing by leaps and bounds I'm sure and I think it would serve best if those of us who stick together helped grow it.

Have a particular topic you'd like to see there - consider it considered (and most likely done - if I know the blogger like I think I do.)

I'm getting consumed by the whole celebrity news stuff. Who knew tracking celebs could be so much fun! Also, it's a great way to post bits of information about interesting posts you make that you'd like to share.

So fellow bloggers - Mommy, Political, Attention Whores, Republicans (oops same thing, I forgot), Democrats, Rednecks (oops that's kind of the same too isn't it?), Geeks, Jocks, Mean Girls and more - there's a place for everyone.

Com'on and help me make some noise!

Technorati Tags : blog, weblog, networking, marketing, groups, mommy, blogger, celebrity, politics, christianity, message+board

Where were you?

2006-09-11T11:35:00.000-04:00

My friend Angela posted her tribute to those who have fallen on that horrific morning of September 11, 2001. So to follow her lead – I REMEMBER…

On the morning of September 11, 2001 – I had gotten my boys off to school and for some reason I just wasn’t feeling well. I went back to lay down for a couple of hours to see if I could get my batteries a little more charged. I woke from a deep sleep to a friend of mine in Florida asking if I were ok. A bit dazed from having just woken up, I assured her I was fine and that I was just taking a little nap. It was then she realized I didn’t have a clue what was going on.

My friend told me to flip on the television – this was just after the first tower had been struck. While I was talking to her, the second tower was hit. I knew a mutual friend of ours, a friend that had helped me through some very rough times, was schedule to attend a meeting at The WTC that morning. I asked her if she’d heard from him. The answer was No.

For the next three days, my eyes were glued to the television as I sat next to the phone. I’d made several calls to my friends’ cell phone knowing that he could not return my call, but I needed to be in contact some way.

On the third day following the attacks on America, I’d mentally and physically collapsed. I fell asleep in the chair right next to the phone and didn’t even hear it ring. My son answered the phone and I awoke to him screaming our friends’ name. He was alive and well. He’d just gotten out of the second tower and he and some other visitors took a car out to Long Island. From there they rented a car and drove home.

Once my friend had called and I knew he was ok, I loaded up my kids and headed down to Kentucky to be with my mom and stepfather. Kentucky is such a beautiful place and where I was headed was so far back in the sticks – I knew no man’s army was going there! They wouldn’t even be able to find a full set of teeth let alone anything worth taking from America further.

I feared for my family, I feared for my children and I feared for myself. I remember wondering just what kind of world I’d brought my children in to. At that point, I realized just how valuable my boys and life were and for the first time in my entire life, I paid close attention to the actions of our nations leaders and making note of what I felt in my heart needed to change. I registered to vote!

Having worked in STD Support and Outreach for so long, I’d developed several friendships with many others in New York. Individually, I’d email each one leaving them a note asking them to simply reply with an “I’m O.K.” if they could. I needed to know that everyone I knew and their families were accounted for.

I never realized how small the world had become to me, until I began the efforts to find those who’d grown near and dear.

Over the course of several weeks each one responded. Many of them had friends or family in the WTC and my heart ached for them from miles and miles away.

I’ll not turn a memorial tribute into a political rant, but over the next couple of years, you can bet I will be watching closely, taking note and speaking my mind on what I feel qualifies and disqualifies a politician to take the role as leader of The U.S.A.

God Bless the friends and families of those who claimed their wings and took their place among the Angels in Heaven on September 11, 2001 and God Bless America that we too may one day unite with all those who’ve given their lives to protect our freedoms since.

Technology Continues to Impact How We Talk to Our Teens

2006-08-11T13:03:00.000-04:00

When you were a teenager, you and your friends probably passed notes to each other, talked on the phone every night, and compared notes about being yelled at by your respective parents for spending too much time on the phone.

Today’s teenagers use cell phones, text messaging, instant messaging (IM) and chat rooms to catch up with each other. They have long buddy lists filled with their friends’ screen names. They participate in blogs – millions of teens are using sites such as facebook.com and myspace.com. And, they use emoticons instead of words.

Pew Internet (www.pewinternet.org Teens and Technology) reports that 84 percent of all teenagers report owning at least one media device: a computer, cell phone or personal digital assistant. Teenagers today communicate almost solely through technology, and this has a lot of parents feeling out of the loop.

"But parents don’t have to feel like this is a lost cause or that they will never understand their teenager. With a little effort, parents can understand the “wired” world that their children live in and use this technology to improve their own lines of communication,” says Ken Leebow, a best-selling author, entrepreneur and speaker. He has been surfing, evaluating, recommending and reporting on incredible Web sites and Internet trends since 1996. He’s written 18 books and sold 3 million copies from his award-winning 300 Incredible Things book series.

He recommends that for starters, parents visit www.IncredibleInternet.com as their guide to the wonders of the Web.

”Most parents find it mind-boggling when faced with such advancements as Instant Messaging, text messaging and so on. It’s very similar to learning a foreign language. But in the spirit of “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” many parents are realizing that these same technologies are making communication with their teens more fun and easier than ever,” says Leebow.

By adopting their children’s methods and communicating in a way that they enjoy, parents will discover that their teen is likely to be more receptive and more responsive.

For example, if you take the time to learn what text messaging is all about, with a quick text message to your teen, you can quickly learn where they are, who they are with and what time they will be home. Parents can gain peace of mind all without placing the dreaded phone call in front of their friends, helping teens feel more independent. You can even send a text message to a cell phone from your computer. To learn your child’s cell phone address, just ask him to send a text message to your e-mail address.

Here is an abbreviated list of words that you might want to make yourself familiar with.

* Instant Messaging

* Chat Room

* Buddy List

* Blogs

* Text Messaging (also known as SMS – Short Message Service)

For a more complete online glossary of common technology words, please visit www.netlingo.com or try this fun site that acts as an interpreter for your teen’s online slang: www.noslang.com.

Be a Smart User

While technology has made communication easier, as a parent there are also dangers that you should be aware of. It’s important to learn how to protect yourself, your family and your personal information while you are online. The following is not an all-inclusive list, but it should provide parents with some basic tips about using the Internet wisely and safely. For more information, visit www.IncredibleInternet.com. Additional sites for safe Internet use include www.netsmartz.org and http://kids.getnetwise.org/.

1. Even though the Net is incredible, maintaining a well-balanced life offline is very important.

2. Use discretion when giving information online because it can easily be distributed to others.

3. Protect your online privacy: Never provide your personal information to strangers.

4. Do not allow your children to arrange meetings with someone they’ve met on the Internet.

5. In your home, place the computer in a visible location to monitor your family’s Internet activity and appropriate uses.

6. Be open for discussions about the Internet and its appropriate uses with family members, classmates and co-workers.

7. Use common sense. Don’t go to sites or do things on the Internet that could create problems.

8. If something inappropriate happens online, report the interaction immediately to www.cybertipline.com. Make sure your children know that they should always immediately report to an adult anything that happens online that makes them uncomfortable.

9. What you don’t know about your child’s online behavior could hurt them. Find out what you should know by taking the Parent Safety-Net Test on www.IncredibleInternet.com and discover real solutions you can use to protect your child on the Internet.

The Connected Family

Whether you like it or not, technology is a growing part of our lives and is helping define an entire generation. Today’s technology is as exciting as it can be frightening. Instead of being intimidated by it, Igrasp it and make it even more a part of your family’s everyday life.

Article Source

For more information, go to www.IncredibleInternet.com. - ARA

Parenting Teenagers: Tips On Starting High School

2006-08-11T13:01:00.000-04:00

Teenagers all over the world will take the leap from child to young adult this fall. They will be entering High School for the first time. This milestone brings a variety of feelings and emotions. They are beginning four of the most difficult, yet most memorable years of their life. If you think you are anxious and scared, try being your teen.

Here are a few Parenting Teenager tips on how to make the best of this stressful and confusing time in your teenager’s life.

Be Open and Understanding

Realize that your teen is going to be stressed and irritable for the first few weeks of their freshman year. There are many things that can contribute to your teen’s moodiness or withdrawn state. They are experiencing numerous changes in their life; all at the same time. Just like when you are pushed to your max with stress, your teen may experience headaches, stomachaches, or sleepiness. They need time and space to figure it all out in their own mind. Be patient and give them the time they need to sort things out for themselves.

Be Available and Reassuring

They may be young adults with a need to start making more decisions on their own and taking on more responsibility, but that doesn’t mean that they are full blown adults with minds that can handle all the stress and pressure of taking on those tasks. Reassure them that you are there when they need you and also how to “back off” when necessary so they can figure things out for themselves.

Your teenager is just that, a teen. You need to let them know that you trust them to make their own decisions. Let them know that you are always there should they get stuck and need a helping hand from someone they trust. Show them in ways other than saying things such as, “I’m here if you want to talk.” It’s not always easy for a teenager to start up a serious conversation, especially with Mom or Dad. There are times when you need to get creative. Depending on your teen that may mean writing a letter or taking them shopping and talking about what’s going on in their life while driving.

Be Supportive and Loving

Your teenager is no longer the ‘big dog’, but instead a ‘newbie’. Teenagers need to know that Mom and/or Dad support their decisions. They may have a difficult time fitting in; therefore, the need to try new things is necessary and helps them to figure out who they are. As long as the activity is not detrimental to them or anyone else, let them try a new sport, club, or other extracurricular hobby.

Support them in their decision, even if you know in the long run they will not participate next year. Give them the opportunity to find out for themselves if they enjoy certain activities. Remind them that family is something that will always be there. They are moving away from you as a parent but not disconnecting with the family completely and that’s ok.

Set Routines and Limits

Yes, they may be growing up, but they aren’t adults yet. Even teenagers need routines and limits. It will help to make the transition to high school easier on both of you if make limits together before the first week of school. Sit down and tell your child what your expectations are and really listen to their expectations of you as well. Settle on certain guidelines and routines that make both of you happy with the end result. This not only puts your mind at ease, but will also show your teen that you acknowledge that they are capable of making sound decisions and taking other’s considerations into account.

Parenting Teenagers can be a trying time and high school can seem overwhelming for them. Share in the good times and be there to lean on for the bad. Before you know it, you’ll be catching that cap and tassel at your teen’s graduation.

Article Source

Aurelia Williams is the host of Parenting My Teen Podcast and is also the owner of Real Life Solutions, a free resource site for moms.

Technorati Tags : parenting, blended+families, high+school, teens

Johnson & Johnson - Calling All Mommy Bloggers!

2006-07-30T13:02:00.000-04:00

Consumer products maker Johnson & Johnson is launching the Mom Blogger project:

It’s about amplifying the voices of moms online. We’re creating a unique blog directory service. It’s an easy way to find and connect with other moms.

It’s a powerful blog publicity engine. We want to help more mom bloggers reach more readers (and get more traffic). And if you don’t have a blog, it’s a great place to start one. We want to help moms join the conversation.

Johnson’s® has been there for generations of moms, so of course we’re there for you. See you in the blogosphere!

Technorati Tags : mommy, blogger, weblog, mom+blog

It's Moving Day!

2006-07-25T09:24:00.000-04:00

Today is going to be a VERY busy day around the old homestead - and NEW -- not only is it day one of moving, but it's dentist day (one son is having a root canal done thanks to he and the big dog horse playing and knocking head to mouth). After that, the little sports jocks head out for their physicals -- then following our final walk through, I will take possession of my very first, very own home, house keys.

I know that one day I am going to look back and wish I had this much to do to keep me busy so I will refrain from complaints :)

Have a great week & weekend!

Women OC

2006-07-14T11:07:00.000-04:00

After the success of the web site Pregnant Online its owners are pleased to announce Women OC (http://www.womenoc.com/) an new online community for women.

The new site goes one step further combining over 20 forums into one easy to navigate site. Members can discuss books, relationships, politics, movies and dozens and dozens of other topics.

New forums are generally very slow to start and can often lay dormant for many months with less than a handful of posts. Women OC however has already hit 8000 posts in less than one month.

Users of the web site have been giving valuable feedback to it's administrators who have been adding new forums on request. The owners believe this is the best way to give the users "the best possible open discussion forum."

The owners or Pregnant Online noticed how it's members also liked to discuss many other issues non pregnancy related. The all topics forum would often get just as much attention as the other pregnancy related forums. This is what gave them the idea to create Women OC, a place where its members could go and discuss thousands of topics organized into 21 forums.

Users of Women OC are rewarded for creating interesting topics and by the amount of content they post. The rewards are in the form of points, these can use to "purchase" gifts for other members in the form of small images that are displayed next to the users profile when they posts. Members can also use these points to enhance there own profile and purchase awareness ribbons.

Although the sites main user base comes from the US, it also has members in both Europe and Australasia.

Starting in September Women OC will be giving its members free personal blogs and there will be many other new features added in the coming months.

Technorati Tags : women, online, chat, forums, hobbies, tech, diet, fashion, parenting

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Just back from a mini-break

2006-07-11T11:34:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note to say I haven't found the end of the earth and fallen off - I did in fact take a few days away from the house, the kids, the dogs and life in general - it was much needed - trust me!

I am back and with just over 2 weeks to go till we take possession of our new house, my plate is going to be quite full and blogging quite sporadic! I did make special note over my extended weekend of several bloggable scenes and people so I'll be jotting those down over the coming days!

Here's to another rainy day in Indiana - yawn!

Anything new out in the blog world that I may have missed or should make special note of?

Establishing Pecking Order

2006-07-06T10:29:00.000-04:00

I realize that whenever two families are blended there's going to be a period of time where the children try to establish the pecking order.

I'm interested in how other blended families have handled the situation.

When you have two that are the oldest siblings in each family, each wants to be the boss. Any ideas on how to keep the feuding to a minimum?

It's not a huge problem for us now, but it was at one time. I thought it might be good to touch on the topic for others that may be dealing with the same type of turmoil.

What about the babies in the family? They each have their own place too - but now they have someone new to compete with. What do you do?

Technorati Tags : blended+family, step+parenting, step+mom

Personal Journaling Site MyDaze.com Features Enable Parental Participation

2006-06-27T10:51:00.000-04:00

Bates Strategy Group, Inc. (BSG) today announced the release of its MyDaze.com Parental Choices program for safe personal journaling and information sharing. MyDaze.com delivers a "Social Networking" service that enables an individual to create a private, personalized Neighborhood on the internet. The Parental Choice program offers differing levels of participation to the parent, running a spectrum from minimal awareness and approval to complete hands-on involvement as the Circle site manager.

Parental Awareness – As a subscription service, parental awareness and approval is required by default to activate a MyDaze Circle.

Chaperoned – Parents can become a member of the Circle to passively chaperone the group, monitor content, and participate when appropriate.

Manager – As a Circle Manager, parents have complete control over circle content and member invitations.

Continue reading...

Perhaps this is one of the more safe alternatives to MySpace - which has been appearing in the news quite a bit lately.

Children should be encouraged to start someplace, however, proper monitoring is a must considering all the craziness there is in the world.

Technorati Tags : social+network, parenting, internet, myspace, personal, teens, mydaze

Are You In Control Of Your Children Or Are You Just A Controlling Parent?

2006-06-23T17:12:00.000-04:00

When it comes to our children we do need to be the ones in control. We are responsible for their safety and well being of course. But we are also the ones that need to teach them independence, good decision making skills, and build their self esteem at the same time. Learn to pick your battles and your whole family will run smoother and everyone will be much happier.

First off does it really matter if your child wears red striped pants with a blue polka dotted shirt? If we are going to church or somewhere special then yes I would prefer that my daughter at least somewhat match, but if we are at home or just running to the store I let her pick her own clothes as long as they are weather appropriate. Yes I get some funny looks but I will have my revenge later because I of course take pictures of all the colorful clothing combinations she has chosen and will be able to tease her about them later. My mom did the same thing with me, she has this wonderful picture of me with orange and pink flowered pants and a green and blue striped shirt.

Does it really matter if every corner of her room is picked up each and every day? I say no, she has an area where she does her "projects" and I personally see no reason why that can't be a little messy at times. But we do have a hard and fast rule that once a week the room is totally cleaned and any toys or books must be picked up from other areas of the house before bed. She wins and I win.

When it comes down to doing an arts and crafts project you need to be prepared to throw out the directions sometimes. If their imagination takes them to a different place than the directions then so what. Most of the time you are doing arts and crafts for them to have fun anyway, so why stifle them and make it less fun. My daughter wanted to do a scrapbook so I got all the necessary stuff and as it turns out she really just wanted to make a book of her different "creations" using glue, markers, glitter, and other craft supplies. So what, I put up the photographs and she had a great time and I had a blast watching and helping her when asked.

My daughter likes to help me bake cakes, her favorite part is stirring the batter. Sometimes a little slops over but oh well, she will eventually get better at it especially if I don't berate her and continue to let her help me. I have found that with practice she is getting better at neatly adding ingredients and stirring.

Basically what I am saying is you cannot expect perfection from your children. It just isn't going to happen. They need to practice the skills you are teaching them and sometimes they will make mistakes. Don't get me wrong if they are being naughty then by all means take control and dish out the appropriate discipline, but if they are making mistakes because they are trying to learn then a little encouragement and patience will go a long way.

We also all want to teach our children to be independent and sometimes they are going to show their independence a little too strongly for our tastes. That is when you need to make the decision is this a battle I need to control or is it just not a big deal?

After all just because you are the parent and in control does not mean you have to "win" each time you and your child disagree.

Remember the parenting skills you are using now are the ones your children will probably use when they raise your grandchildren. You might also want to keep in mind that someday when you are older the roles may get reversed and your children will be the ones "in control" of you.

Article Source

Robin Reckard, co-founder of Jorbins.com Lifestyle Magazine www.jorbins.com/ keeps busy producing, writing, and editing for the magazine as well as raising and enjoying her six year old daughter. Visit Jorbins Baby and Parenting section to read more great child development and parenting articles. Copyright 2006, Jorbins Inc. - Reprints of this article can be made as long as the article is in it's entirety, unchanged, and the resource box with links and urls remain unchanged.

Technorati Tags : parenting, controllling, children, family

Divorce is Not a Game

2006-06-19T11:18:00.000-04:00

But a Computer Game Can Help Deal With It

Years of research have led a small group of dedicated child psychologists and therapists to develop the first game that is specially designed to help children of separated and divorced parents to cope with the new reality in their lives.

"For the children, it is the first attempt at talking to them in their own "language", dealing with a severe subject through humor and wit. For the parents, the game broadens their understanding of the impact of the separation on their child, and offers a way to communicate and talk about painful issues the child might be otherwise reluctant to express. For therapists, this game can be used as a strategy to get children to participate more actively in the therapy process, by discussing their feelings and thoughts through playing the game. It can be used either in the clinic or as a home "assignment", allowing the child to open-up more freely without feeling intimidated."

Source - Continue Reading

This might just be one of the best tools parents can utilize when helping their children cope with divorce. What a brilliant idea!

Technorati Tags : divorce, children, parenting, family, blended+family, single+parenting, separation

Bitter Divorces

2006-06-13T08:59:00.001-04:00

A manhunt was on early Tuesday for a pawn shop owner suspected in a shooting at his estranged wife's building and wanted for questioning in the shooting of a judge involved with his divorce case.
Darren Mack "had recent dealings with the judge and the family court section" in his divorce, Johns said, calling it "an obvious connection." But he said police "do not have enough information to say he is a suspect" in Weller's shooting.
According to Washoe County District Court records, Charla Mack filed for divorce on Feb. 7, 2005. A two-day custody hearing was scheduled before Weller for Sept. 7 of this year and a mutual restraining order was signed in May 2005, according to court records.
On the Web site, he wrote: "My name is Darren Mack, and I am the third generation owner of a small business in Reno, Nevada. My family has owned and operated small businesses in Nevada for 45 years."
Continue reading...

The photograph above was taken from that website that is available in cache files only.

I have to wonder what could possibly push a person over the edge to such a degree? Is this man not aware of what he is doing to his children? Does he not care?

Anyone have any stories they could share that are perhaps similar so that we may be able to grasp a more clear understanding of such rage associated with divorce?

Any advice on handling such rage? Perhaps it's too late for someone associated with Charla, but the advice made available here and through other avenues may just save someone further on down the road.

My thoughts and prayers are with the Mack family during this troubling time.

Technorati Tags : darren+mack, charla+mack, divorce, custody, bitter, rage, violent, jealousy, abuse

Shiloh's First Photo-shoot

2006-06-09T12:32:00.000-04:00

CelebAmour has some of the first photos being released of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and their new baby Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. I've shared my personal favorites there and provided a link to the whole display of photos if you're interested.

She is a beautiful baby!

Of course we all knew she would be - look at who her mom and dad are!

Technorati Tags : angelina+jolie, brad+pitt, shiloh+nouvel+jolie+pitt, shiloh, brangelina

Introducing Shiloh

2006-06-06T15:03:00.000-04:00

I've just posted the first photo I've found of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolies baby on CelebAmour.

Take a peek at Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt

Wonder if that ring on the left hand means anything? Ya think?

Comments?

Technorati Tags : brad+pitt, angelina+jolie, shiloh, maddox, zahara, celebrity+baby

The Single Girl's Guide

2006-06-05T14:46:00.000-04:00

The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His : Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace - from $4.04

Book Description
A funny, honest, and empathetic resource for the novice stepmother, which includes advice on The kids: Adjusting to suspicion, resentment, and biological-parent loyalties; The ex-wife: Living calmly alongside her, whether she's a psycho or the perfect mother; The holidays: Accommodating old family traditions and developing new ones; The sex: Keeping love alive through the kids' bed-wetting and nightmares. Plus an invaluable list of resources, websites, publications, and organizations specifically for the new stepmother.

About the Author
Sally Bjornsen is an author and commercial photographer's agent. A full-fledged stepmother, wife, and collaborative co-mama, she lives happily in Seattle with her husband, their son, and her two stepsons.

Technorati Tags : stepmother, stepchildren, ex+wife, blended+family, second+marriage, second+wife, book

ABC's of Blended Families

2006-06-02T13:26:00.000-04:00

This is a beautiful piece I found on BlendedFamilies.net

Living with step relationships isn't as easy as it sounds. Statistics tell us that blended children are at greater risk of living in high conflict homes where sixty percent of them will once again fall apart. Most of us have made a New Year's resolution at least once or twice in our lives. We've been taught to believe we can change habits by walking into a new year with a new goal. In the past, I've resolved to exercise, eat more salads, and attend church. These activities are now a part of my life.

The ABC's for Blended Families into practice. Don't expect to do them all in a week's time. Be diligent. The whole year lies ahead of you.

A Accept Your Family
Make each person feel he or she is a very important part of the new family. Avoid favoritism of one child over another.

B Build with Love
Mother Teresa said, "I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience. For all kinds of diseases there are medicines and cures. But for being unwanted, except there are willing hands to serve and there's a loving heart to love, I don't think this terrible disease can be cured."

C Calculate Financial Needs
Talk about money. Money habits can make or break a marriage. Be prompt with spousal/child support payments. Decide who will manage the checkbook or if two checkbooks will be kept. Talk about allowance money, a reasonable household budget, and a will that is caring and inclusive.

D Develop Personal Space
Children in stepfamilies, whether living with you day-to-day or only once in a while, need to be treated like family and not visitors. Personal space says, "I belong here." Provide at the very least a private dresser drawer or cupboard shelf.

E Encourage Family Fun
Keep fun on the calendar. Fun relieves stress and gets everyone smiling. Toss a Frisbee, go to the beach, hike a trail, or plan a picnic. Do things that have nothing to do with work.

F Forgive Past Hurts
A blended family builds on the prior family's broken dreams. Often people are emotionally entangled with the past. Until you choose to forgive, and let your bitterness go your new family does not have all of you.

G Grow Good Attitudes
Attitudes are self chosen. Grow in love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

H Honor Each History
Look at the ethnic diversity within your family. Celebrate something from each person's heritage (i.e. food, song, fiesta).

I Initiate Family Meetings
Family meetings keep every one abreast of family matters. Events, financial needs, chores, or venting a frustration can be aired here. Make sure all family members are allowed to voice their concerns.

K Knit Lives Together
Shared experiences make us feel more a part of one another. Even if you don't like sports, do your best to create family time out of the ball games, the band concerts, and the awards assemblies that gratify another family member.

J Junk the Jealousy
Jealousy is self focused and demonstrates a lack of maturity. Find a better way to express your emotions.

L Laugh a Lot
Laughter is good medicine and keeps us from taking life too seriously. Read funny stories, tell clean jokes, or rent an amusing video. Never use laughter to poke fun at someone.

M Maintain Wholesome Values
The moral fiber of society is based on godly principles. Model telling the truth, keeping your word, and not using coarse language before you expect your children to put these things into practice.

N Normalize Appropriate Discipline
The birth parent should be the primary disciplinarian of his or her child at first. In time, and in unity with the stepparent, slowly bring consistency to disciplinary standards that will be upheld with all of the children.

O Oust Unhealthy Habits
Be honest with yourself. Is there a habit (alcohol abuse, drugs, anger, over spending, or name calling) you need to get rid of? Make a plan to clean up the problem.

P Pray for Guidance
The medical community agrees with the Christian sector. Prayer helps! Take your problems to prayer. Pray as a family. Pray with a friend.

Q Quantify Every Victory
Celebrate the smallest successes as well as the big ones. A child who shares with a stepsister should be praised for his loving gesture. A teen that lands a summer job should be admired.

R Respect Satellite Relationships
Show respect for your child's relatives. Do not talk negatively about them. Your child gathers feelings of worth by how well you accept his or her closest relatives.

S Strive for Stability
Dinner is at 6:00, everyone does chores, and curfew is at 9:00. We all need a degree of consistency for life to feel orderly.

T Think before Speaking
Once words leave our mouths it is impossible to drag them back. Be quick to listen and slow to speak.

U Undertake Peaceful Negotiations
Disputes are inevitable. Train your children with great problem solving skills before they leave home at age 18.

V Validate Each Person
Self worth is important to our well being. Find something each day that is worth validating in each person—a smile, a hug, a helping hand.

W Ward off Criticism
Critical words can crush the heart of a child or a spouse. Pleasant words are like honey to the soul. Learn to speak the truth in love.

X eXtend Grace Often
The Golden Rule is grace in action. It says, "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you."

Y Yield to Others
Don't insist on having your own way. Look out for the interests of others.

Z Zoom toward Goals
Goals let us live with purpose. Plan to save for college, take a vacation, or create harmony with one another. Then put aside the money or time to meet your goals.

Consider posting this alphabet where the whole family can routinely see it: on the refrigerator or a bathroom mirror, or frame it and hang it in each bedroom of the house.

Printable and frameable version

Technorati Tags : blended+families, step+family

It's official - I live in the most boring place on earth

2006-06-01T11:30:00.000-04:00

Well, that's what my kids have informed me of - this realization comes only 4 days into summer break.

Gosh it's so tough to be a kid when all there is to do is -

- ride the go kart

- play game cube

- watch the cartoon network (or one of another 150 channels)

- ride bikes

- jump on the trampoline

- play in the garden hose

- draw

- color

- CLEAN

Sheesh, since when did being a parent mean entertainer too?

Anyone have any ideas to spice up my kids summer a bit to keep from earning me the most boring mom on the planet award by summers end?

Technorati Tags : summer, kids, family, diary, dialy+life, entertainment, personal

MIA Longer then I thought

2006-05-31T18:10:00.000-04:00

I'd SO rather not keep reliving it, but if you must know... you are welcome to read Lightening Striking Again...

Will gladly be returning to some sense of normality tomorrow.

I do apologize for this interuption - but on top of the lightening striking, I've realized that NONE, not one, not two, but NONE of my summer shorts fit me this year.

I've turned into a non-smoking lardass.

More later...

tata4now

Mothers

2006-05-30T10:53:00.000-04:00

(If the word God offends you - you might want to utilize that little red X in the upper right corner of your screen.)

The following are answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. To clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones, then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?

1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but I bet she was pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $100 a month? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more stuff to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms are the boss cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don’t get spare time.
2. She pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. A diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

Those of you that have kids will easily be able to relate to many of these answers. There were a few in there that I could see myself in - through my kids eyes, but I am NOT going to say which ones.

-- back to cleaning *wink*

Technorati Tags : mom, stepmom, humor, family

Kids say...

2006-05-29T07:08:00.000-04:00

While having our dinner and family discussions over all the "nothings" we could think of yesterday, the kids started talking about how tall they are.

First son - "I'm 5'4"

Second son - "I'm 5'2"

Third son - "I think I'm four feet twelve inches"

We all got quite a chuckle before correcting his math and measurements.

Then the conversation smoothly rolls over to hair color -

First son "mine has always been dark brown"

Second son "mine is blonde"

Third son "if we took the red out of my hair I think I'd be blonde too."

Guess I don't have to worry about anyone being blasted off to space anytime soon!

Technorati Tags : kids, family, teens, conversation, things+kids+say

Raising Modest Children

2006-05-27T08:02:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the first day of summer break her in the McCord household and the end of a long painful battle over hair! Yes, HAIR!

Seems both my boy's had decided they wanted this whole "skateboarder" look and refused to cut their hair or have it cut rather.

Yesterday I WON!!!!

Yes, ME! I won, I won, I - DOUBLE U - OHHHHHHHH - INNNNNNN WON!

The hair came OFF OFF OFF!

Once the hair was off, my one boy looks at me and says - "Mom, this hair feels SO much better!"

Me - "I can't believe it took this long to talk you into it!"

Son - "WELL I Never KNEW I'd look THIS HOT!"

Modesty is such a respectable thing, isn't it?

Technorati Tags : parenting, humor, kids, teens, blended+family, life

Going MIA

2006-05-26T11:07:00.000-04:00

Today is the first day of Summer Break for my kids - so I think it's a great day for me to just goof off the rest of the day.

Have a great weekend and I'll be back in my normal mode Monday!

Penny Pinching Contest

2006-05-24T16:29:00.001-04:00

Famed penny pincher - Michelle Singletary - is having a contest -

Penny Pincher of the Year Contest. To enter the 2006 edition, all you have to do is nominate someone with an original penny-pinching strategy — a friend, a relative, co-worker, even yourself.

The rules of this contest are simple. Don't make anything up (I can usually tell). Don't be gross. I don't want to hear that you bathe in someone else's bath water. That's just nasty.

And a few more rules listed here!

Hurry - contest ends June 16th

hat tip - Thrifty Mommy

Technorati Tags : penny+pincher, money+saving, savings, finances, tips

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Don't Divorce Your Children

2006-05-22T09:30:00.000-04:00

Divorce is certainly an emotional time for families. In fact, it ranks as one of the most stressful experiences in life. However, it is not only the adults who experience this stress. If the adults are parents, their children often suffer greatly. Their suffering can not be entirely eliminated. A certain amount of grief at the 'death' of their parents' relationship is to be expected. Nevertheless, while the adults are going through typically arduous legal wrangling it is important for them to remember the needs of their children and put them first. Deciding to cooperate for their sake will help to protect the children's emotional well being by maintaining their sense of security and need for unconditional love. Marital breakdown is difficult for everyone - especially children. There are several ways in which loving, responsible parents can cooperate for the good of their children. Even though the marriage may have broken down, the parental relationship is 'till death do us part'.

Child and youth counselors emphasize that children need lasting relationships with both parents. More often than not joint custody is granted because of this accepted understanding. Ideally, the relationship of the parents should be business-like and cooperative for the sake of the children. Children should not witness hostility between their parents and should not hear negative statements about either parent. It is recommended that parents commit to regularly scheduled meetings, in a neutral location for the purpose of discussing child-related issues. Education, medical, religious and moral issues that concern the children's well- being need to be dealt with by both parents. If emotions prohibit calm conversation, there are often family justice counselors available in the community to facilitate these important meetings.

Children going through the divorce of their parents usually have many questions and worries. Compassionate responses are required and it certainly takes mature parents in order to put aside their own issues and help their children gain some understanding about a situation over which they have no control. Unfortunately, many children experience guilt and often blame themselves for the marital breakup of their parents. Counseling - whether group or individual - can be an effective way to lessen this destructive burden. The objectivity of the counselor may help the child open up and share his/her feelings. As children mature, their questions will differ so the issue of their parents' divorce is never really over. A commitment on behalf of both parents to open communication with the children will reassure them greatly.

Article Source

Divorce Attorney Jean Mahserjian makes it easier to make it through your divorce by providing you with the essential information you need to understand the divorce process. For more help and information on this topic, visit our site at: www.millenniumdivorce.com

Technorati Tags : divorce, children, step+family, divorced+families, broken+home, custody

COUPLES LEARN DIVORCE ISN'T FINAL UNTIL DECREE IS FILED

2006-05-18T10:37:00.000-04:00

Via Dear Abby - A great read and a MUST consider for any couple about to enter into a second marriage.

After reading the letter from "Married? In Arkansas," who found to her dismay that her husband was still married to his first wife, I thought I should write. It happens more than people would like to think.

I have worked for more than 10 years on a divorce court staff, and I would advise all divorced people -- male and female -- to request a certified copy of their divorce decree. This official document is available from the courthouse in which they were divorced.

I know of at least two instances where the lawyers failed to submit the decree of divorce to the judge. It was only discovered more than a decade later. In the first instance, as part of the property settlement, the husband was going to buy out his ex-wife's interest in the former marital home. The provision was triggered by the youngest child turning 18. The mortgage company needed a copy of the divorce decree to refinance the mortgage. Surprise -- both the husband and wife had remarried! They had to go through another divorce proceeding. (It was probably more amicable than the first.) But they were humiliated, not to mention furious at the attorney. Then they had to "remarry" their current spouses.

The second incident was very sad. The parties' son was killed in an accident. In the process of filing a wrongful death action, a copy of their divorce decree was needed. That's when they learned their case had been dismissed for "failure to prosecute." Again, the attorney had not filed the judgment, even though the parties had appeared in court and testified.

Please, Abby, tell your readers if they have gotten a divorce and do not have a certified copy of their divorce decree, to get one now. Most attorneys are hard-working and honest. But it never hurts to have insurance, and this is some of the cheapest insurance they'll ever get. -- CONCERNED COURT REPORTER

DEAR CONCERNED: I'm sure your letter will raise some eyebrows, but you have offered some good advice, and I hope my readers will pay attention to it.

Talk about scary! I can't imagine finding out such horrific news and having to go through the whole process, both divorce and remarriage to my current spouse again.

Better to check, re-check and check again then to wind up like the couple above.

Have you ever known anyone who found themselves in similar situations? What happened? I'd love to hear!

Technorati Tags : divorce, marriage, second+marriage, blended+family

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-14T10:23:00.000-04:00

To Mom's and Mr. Mom's everywhere!

Being a mother isn't just about carrying a baby for 9 months and giving birth.

Enjoy your day!

Turning Challenges of Blended Families Into Successes

2006-05-10T19:05:00.000-04:00

When two families are combined, each family brings its own set of rules, rituals, traditions and loyalties. Values, household responsibilities and ways of doing things that were established in one family must now be reconfigured into a new family structure. It is likely that different types of talents and interests, lifestyles and ways of spending leisure time will exist and may even clash. Understanding these realities of the blended family or stepfamily structure can reduce some of the frustrations of stepparenting.

Research indicates that it takes three to five years for family members to adjust to the newly formed “blended family.” This includes adapting to new people, different kinships and new roles. Tension may exist surrounding such issues as new roles, different last names and adoption of stepchildren. Blended families have to deal with where to live, what to call each other, how to include the other spouse and relatives, how to establish emotional ties with the children and how to discipline the children. Blended families can mean less privacy, more noise, shared space and fewer opportunities for time alone. A childless man or woman marrying into a family with children will need to learn parenting strategies.

Most couples are highly motivated to make their marriages succeed. This determination sometimes fosters unrealistic expectations and wishful thinking. Children, too, may have unrealistic ideas about family relationships. Learning and acknowledging that blended families are different from other families can help couples anticipate potential problems and prepare them for the difficult and not-so-difficult times ahead.

Children and adults often come into newly formed families believing myths of blended families. Eliminating these myths can make life easier for the whole family. It takes time, good role-modeling, effective parenting, perseverance and patience to overcome them.

Wicked Stepparent Myth

Parents may have to work hard to dispel the wicked stepparent myth. The new stepparent may be depicted as the mean parent. This myth can be of particular importance to stepmoms because the depiction of Cinderella and her stepmother in the fairy tale. Remember to provide support and consistent messages to the child and the stepparent.

Instant Love Myth

Another closely related myth is that the stepchildren will like or love each other in the same manner as biological children and that this will occur instantly, or that the children of blended families will instantly love each other just as the newly married parents. This may not be possible. On the contrary, negative feelings may be strong. It takes time and effort to live successfully in the new blended family. Do not set unrealistic expectations.

Disneyland Myth

Finally, there is the Disneyland parent myth where the noncustodial parent indulges a child. A parent may give a child anything he or she wants to compensate for guilt, loss of time with the child or to win favor with the child. This can cause challenges for the parent who is with the child on a day-to-day basis dealing with discipline and homework.

The best way to diminish the challenges of being a blended family is by having realistic ideas about stepparenting and stepfamily relationships. Understanding that stresses and strains are a normal part of a newly blended family can help the family members manage the day-to-day challenges and realities. With time and effort, a healthy family environment can be achieved where members of the newly created family live harmoniously.

Blended Family Basics

Reduce tensions in blended families by following these simple rules.

Plan ahead. Discuss with children the changes that can be expected as the families are blended. Talk with the adults involved about any changes and challenges that exist. Give children time to get to know the stepparent.
Don’t try to replace the biological parent. Be prepared to be tested, manipulated and challenged in your new role. Work together as a couple to help the children adjust to the new family.
Reassure children that their biological parent will not abandon them. Encourage their continuing relationship with their biological parent.
Become involved in learning about each child’s interest.
Be reliable and consistent. If you make plans and promises with children, keep them.
Give children opportunities to vent their frustrations.
Establish a workable adulttoadult relationship with all of the parents involved.

Via NC State University

Technorati Tags : blended+family, children, parents, divorce, stepparent, stepmother

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Large Diamond Selection

2006-05-10T10:09:00.000-04:00

Every diamond is as unique as the person who wears it. DanforthDiamond.com offers an incredible selection of diamonds that allows you to select a diamond to match your loved one's style and taste. The customer service center is friendly and always happy to help answer questions. They offer diamonds of exceptional quality at remarkable prices so you can buy a diamond ring from them and feel confident that you have purchased a beautiful diamond for less. Blog post sponsored by Make Money Blogging

Custody

2006-05-09T15:48:00.000-04:00

What do you do when your stepchildren no longer want to live with their biological mother - are over 13 and want to come live with their dad and stepmother full time?

We are now being faced with this issue and would like to know how others have handled it. We've really grown as a family this last year and I am looking forward to being more of a family on a more regular basis.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Technorati Tags : custodial+parent, fathers+rights, custody, divorce, blended+family, children, stepmother

13 Things For Your Child To Do (Instead Of Watch Tv)

2006-05-09T12:36:00.000-04:00

C'mon, admit it. You sometimes use the television set as a cheap babysitter. That's ok...we ALL do it sometimes! Ah, but it's a double-edged sword, because kids who watch a lot of TV have trouble keeping themselves entertained, which in the long run makes your job harder!

If you're trying to limit the TV viewing in your household, you might need a little inspiration. Try these TV-free activities guaranteed to keep the kids busy... at least for a little while!

1) Make paper airplanes
Warning: This one is highly addictive! My two boys absolutely love making paper airplanes. Buy them a book on the fine arts of paper airplane making, and then put your feet up and read a book.

2) Make a tower with toothpicks and peas
Go ahead- encourage them to play with their food!

3) Make homemade ice cream
Put two parts milk and cream and one part sugar in a coffee can, with any flavorings you want. Put the lid on, then put it in a bigger can and pour ice around the little can. Put rock salt on the ice. Put a lid on the big can, and give it to your child to roll it back and forth for about 1/2 hour or until it turns into ice cream! (Do this one even if it's winter...I won't tell!)

4) Give them a magnet and instruct them to run it all over the house and see what they find.
And loose couch change is fair game!

5) If you have bunk beds, put blankets around the lower one and make a submarine. Make it a yellow blanket. Then sing the appropriate Beatles tune.

6) Play First Family Savings and Loan
Save your cancelled checks and fake credit cards that come in the mail. Supply the kids with a calculator, pencils, small table and Monopoly money. This one was my favorite as a kid!

7) Build a mini log cabin with twigs

8) Have a tic-tac-toe tournament

9) Make your own soda.
Here's an easy recipe: http://www.easyfunschool.com/article2052.html

10) Make a card for Grandma.
Get out the rubber stamps, art supplies and construction paper and make a greeting card for Grandma or another loved one.

11) Bake a cake
Buy the kids an easy cake or brownie mix and let them loose in the kitchen. Tell them they can enjoy the fruits of their labors as long as they clean up all mess.

12) Make up a treasure hunt
Buy cheap dollar store toys. Hide in your closet. Make a list of items they must find outside. (A white rock, a feather, a red leaf, a penny, etc) Tell them an exciting booty awaits when they bring all the items to you.

13) Make a cave inside the house.
Put old blankets over the backs of chairs or over a table to make a tent. Grab a flashlight and instruct child to go read scary stories inside it.

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Technorati Tags : parenting, play+time, children, television, do+it+yourself, cards, bake, family+fun