Sunday, March 12, 2006

Soul Cleaning

Over the last couple of weeks my mother has been visiting.  I tease her quite a bit about her obsessive compulsive disorderly habits, but she knows I am just teasing because I inherited a large number of those genes from her.  In fact my kids and husband call me Monk.

I do have to admit, the pots/pans and bowl cabinets are the most clean they've been in years.

Another cleaning experience that took place while my mother was visiting, was a good old, down deep, emotional house cleaning.  To be honest, I was surprised it didn't make the 11 o'clock news having measured on the rector scale.

It was one of those great, cut loose, jump straight over the edge, screaming, punching walls, stomping - arms flapping in the wind hoping not to hit an innocent bystander kinda cleanings.  The only thing missing is the little white jackets.  Even my poor dog freaked out just a bit.

The entire spell lasted all of 2 minutes IF that - I honestly don't think my voice could have held out much longer.

Thank goodness my mother was here - because for the first time in a LONG time, I didn't have to be the "responsible" one and could let my guard down just a bit to release some of the tension that had been weighing heavy on my shoulders.

A person can only take so much of others pointing out all the wrong they are doing - before they literally snap trying to rectify all the wrongs.  Try tossing in a few holy rollers that try far to hard to convert existing Christians - which in turn makes you feel like you suck as a Christian right along with the sucking as a mother, daughter, spouse - heck human being for that matter.  I just couldn't take much more!

When I finally did snap, I did say some very mean things that I truly didn't mean and were nothing more than poisoned arrows directed at the person that gave that final push that sent me over the edge.  I did have to make my apologies and thankfully they were accepted.

I will say that I am very glad I live in the country, very glad it was a school day and very glad no one was here to witness my tantrum that may hold it against me in the future.  Of course putting it into writing here probably isn't the most brilliant idea, but you know what?  I don't really give a rats ass.  I'm human just like everyone else and just as water has a boiling point, so do I.

When you're a person that has a hard time saying "no" to others because you're so afraid to hurt someone's feelings, it turns out to be such a HUGE burden to carry.  Eventually you've said "yes" to helping so many people - move, clean, baby sit, run errands, borrow cars, whatever, that you have lost yourself in the middle somewhere.

There's NOTHING wrong with being a NO person sometimes.  Of course that's me trying to tell myself that it's ok to be a "no" person, but I'm learning - because the more I say "Yes" to other people, the more I'm saying "no" to the people that mean the most!

And to think, it took going t-totally-ape-chit to figure that one out!

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