Childless by choice

I read an interesting article this morning at: To bear or not to bear? Childless by choice ...And their lives are far from empty.

I have to admit, that's one of those topics that I've never really given much thought to, but when it's presented in a way that captures my attention like this article has, I find myself pondering quite a bit over what life might be like if I were 'one of those' people who chose to be childless.

I can't imagine life without my children and I can't imagine having ever even entertaining the thought of not having them. I'm not saying it's wrong by any means, just that it's one of those things I just can't wrap my mind around. Kind of like being a lesbian - I just don't get it!

I'm sure there are many 'parents' who didn't bear children of their own, but have stepped nicely into the roll of parent by having married a parent.

Know anyone like that?

I would think it's terribly challenging to step into the roll of being parent to a child that belongs to someone else and now that I think about it, my brother is the "father figure" to two children that belong to another man and he handles it nicely.

Are you like me and think it would be difficult to become a parent to children that way after having never been a parent before?

I'd love to hear some tales of Parenting by Choice.

Monday Morning Blended Keyword Search

While reviewing my stats this morning, as I do most Monday mornings, it occurred to me that I should publish those stats and show others they're not alone in what they are looking for. Naturally, Blended Family and Blended Family Blog are rating high on the search terms, however, the one's that I find somewhat disturbing are:

• meddling adult step children
• how to figure out if a step-coupling marriage can be saved
• step by step process of divorce

Certainly if the problem is between the parents, the focus should be there. I've always felt that the children will be around until they are out of school or on their own feet and then it's down to just you and your spouse. Can you hold out that long? Is the problem deeper then it appears? Is the problem really in the stepchildren at all or are they just an easy excuse? I've heard many other situations in which it wasn't the children at all, but more on the shoulders of the in-laws? Be sure you are calling out the issues as they should be. It's only when the problem has a solid diagnosis that it can be addressed, treated or dismissed. Next I'm seeing lots of people getting here searching for:

• blended family problem forum (this week)

and in previous weeks reviews:

• blended family forum
• stepfamilies forum
• stepmom forum

One of the best forums I've found for both reading and participating is this FORUM at Life in a Blender.

And hopefully, those searching ex wife blogs are getting here to either realize what they can do in the best interest of their children or share with other blended families what can be done to help make this transition much easier on everyone involved.

I'd like to also extend this invitation - If you are in a blended family and would like to submit a letter or post to be displayed here on Blended Family Blog, I'd be happy to do so.

I think it's important for those struggling in their blended families to share their experiences and this is one additional way that step-families can share their experiences and request advice in an anonymous setting.

If you have something to say, please feel free to leave your comment anonymously on this forum and I'll be glad to move it to the postings section.

Sometimes being a Stepmom is beyond tough

Have you ever been placed in the position where you've been told something by one a stepchild and was asked not to tell their parents?

A reader has been placed in that very position. Something has been going on with one of their stepchildren while they are at their biological mom's house. They've been asked not to tell and agreed at first, but later had to re-think that position. Following careful explanation to that child it was decided they would talk with the father about it.

Do you know what's going on in your child's life? Are you the kind of parent your child wants to confide in? If you aren't sure, it might be time to start thinking about it - because they might just end up talking to someone who will keep their secret.

If you've been there? Do you have some wisdom or advice you'd like to share with other blended families?

Open Letter to All Custodial Parents

Dear Parent ~
Do you not realize how much your actions against the non-custodial parent are hurting your children?

Do you not realize that by using your children as a source to get your digs in, you are gradually pushing them away - and just like any fine straw, once it's broken, it's not likely it can ever be mended.

If you don't want your child to participate in something, do certain sports, take piano lessons, join under water basket weaving or whatever, tell them. Don't place the non-custodial parent in the position of having to tell that child no and hurt their feelings.

Do not tell your children their other parent isn't paying support. That only makes you look criminal when they are shown the proof that their 'other parent' is providing for them well within the guidelines of the law and then some.

In many cases, one parent has already taken enough away from the other parent by placing them in the position where they can only see their children 4 days out of the month. That's a huge sacrifice, especially for a parent who truly cares.

If you still love that parent, too bad. You should have thought about that before you divorced.

Adults should take responsibility for their own actions. Let the children be children and let them enjoy their four days per month with their other parent without having to worry about being a messenger to the other parent.

You've made your bed - now let them be kids.