Second Wives Club

Sometimes being the "second wife" has a whole set of unique challenges and no matter how much you'd like to depend on your close family and friends, there just isn't a replacement for the support of someone who is actually living a life parallel to yours.

The mission of Second Wives Club is to provide a safe haven for women who are currently involved in a second marriage or relationship or who is involved in a blended family. Second Wives Club provides a network where you can communicate with others who share common interests, issues, concerns and complaints - you'll find you can give and receive support, information, and friendship.

"The Second Wives Club.com" encourages the building and maintaining of co-operative relationships both within the club and the family. To help develop positive attitudes and behaviors and to enable women in blended family situations to live and grow with confidence, respect, and zeal as a wife, mother, and individual.

Visitation Guidelines - Flexible or Not?

Having never been in the position of having to worry about such things, I am finding myself a bit baffled on this topic.

Granted, I understand that visitations are set by courts when two parents can't get along. Here's the confusing part:

I want to know is what happens when one parent forgos their weekend. Do they pick up the following weekend or do they forfeit that visit altogether?

I'm sure there are others out there besides me who don't understand these 'rules' of divorce.

I've always let my children make their own decisions on whether or not to have visitation time with their father and we've never had a problem whatsoever.

But, I guess that comes with the territory when you have an amicable divorce. It hasn't always been this way, it's just what it's evolved in to.

Monday Morning Blended Keyword Search

While reviewing my stats this morning, as I do most Monday mornings, it occurred to me that I should publish those stats and show others they're not alone in what they are looking for. Naturally, Blended Family and Blended Family Blog are rating high on the search terms, however, the one's that I find somewhat disturbing are:

• meddling adult step children
• how to figure out if a step-coupling marriage can be saved
• step by step process of divorce

Certainly if the problem is between the parents, the focus should be there. I've always felt that the children will be around until they are out of school or on their own feet and then it's down to just you and your spouse. Can you hold out that long? Is the problem deeper then it appears? Is the problem really in the stepchildren at all or are they just an easy excuse? I've heard many other situations in which it wasn't the children at all, but more on the shoulders of the in-laws? Be sure you are calling out the issues as they should be. It's only when the problem has a solid diagnosis that it can be addressed, treated or dismissed. Next I'm seeing lots of people getting here searching for:

• blended family problem forum (this week)

and in previous weeks reviews:

• blended family forum
• stepfamilies forum
• stepmom forum

One of the best forums I've found for both reading and participating is this FORUM at Life in a Blender.

And hopefully, those searching ex wife blogs are getting here to either realize what they can do in the best interest of their children or share with other blended families what can be done to help make this transition much easier on everyone involved.

I'd like to also extend this invitation - If you are in a blended family and would like to submit a letter or post to be displayed here on Blended Family Blog, I'd be happy to do so.

I think it's important for those struggling in their blended families to share their experiences and this is one additional way that step-families can share their experiences and request advice in an anonymous setting.

If you have something to say, please feel free to leave your comment anonymously on this forum and I'll be glad to move it to the postings section.

Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce

The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce

One readers review:

I went through a high-conflict divorce in Connecticut in 2004, complete with restraining orders, police, and the whole 9 yards. As I saw the divorce approaching, I researched a great deal of divorce/parenting literature on my own, hoping to find a framework of something my (soon-to-be) ex and I could agree to work with, and I found this book. I read it and gave a copy to my ex. I also found an divorce/custody attorney who would focus on our children's interests, and his very first recommendation was to get this book and see Dr. Thayer in her practice jointly with my ex.

I'm grateful I had the expertise of Dr. Thayer to help me let go of conflicts I had with my ex. The guiding principle of the book and her joint practice (which is called The Peace Program) is to transform a personal, contentious relationship with an ex into a business-like relationship focused on the children's welfare. In a high-conflict divorce, this is a very difficult objective -- conflict can be blinding and all-consuming -- but it is possible, and the energy is of course better spent on the children.

The book outlines suggestions to facilitate parenting business, such as a weekly parenting phone call (a business call) and a dozen Golden Parenting Rules. In the end, after the parents extinguish their fighting, the children get their parents back, and a good deal of their childhood back, because the parents choose to work together as co-parents. Through the 18 months I've been using this book, I find myself living in various chapters of it, depending on the evolution of my divorce. As the children get older, new issues arise, and the book remains on the top shelf of my bookshelf, where my most useful books reside.

Joint Custody with a Jerk

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex, A Hands on, practical guide to coping with custody issues that arise with an uncooperative ex-spouse

One readers review:

I personally think everyone regardless of their status should read this book. It's a great communication tool. Very quick read; simple; easy to read and understand. Personally I've found it to be a great help in dealing with many different situations, especially in times of conflict, that have almost impossible or non-existant positive communication.

This book makes it simple and easy to understand just how powerful taking responsibility for ones own issues and communication can be. It gives the reader a clear and concise way to gain control over themselves and their communication and hand back to the other party that which does not belong to the reader. I've bought this book for many of my friends and they have all felt like it was a valuable read not only when dealing with an ex-spouse, but also in many other situations where one finds ones self dealing with conflict.

If you have a comment regarding this book, I'd love to have you share your thoughts.

Letters from Children of Divorce

Blended Kids - Letters from Children of Divorce. Though the title says "children of divorce" it can be letters from anyone who has had their life impacted by divorce. Whether it's your parents, yourself, whomever.

Over the last several years I've learned there is no way for all the courts to truly know what's really best for the children - because NO two families are alike. Try as they might, to make the best decisions, watching the evening news is a testament to the fact that they're not always right.

As a child of divorce myself, I feel as though I have somewhat a clearer understanding of what the needs of children of divorce are versus what someone who has never been divorced might believe.

Thus the idea for people from all over the world to share their own thoughts and letters on what's best for them. What hurts them most? What they wish their parents would do? What they should have done? How should parents handle divorce from a child's perspective.

At the same time, being a divorced woman myself, I would like to invite parents who are divorced to share their letters as well. God knows there are many secrets I've had to keep from my kids that I hope one day they'll forgive me for. This is also a place for people like me to share those secrets - so that perhaps other parents in similar situations will find support, encouragement and inspiration.

With statistics indicating that most families are now blended or divorced - I truly believe the best way to strengthen the latest trend in family dynamics is through the personal experiences and letters from those who have been there and are living it.

If you are divorced, know someone who is - or know a child of divorce, please share this site and option with them. When they get angry, hurt or depressed - I'd like for this to become one new avenue in which they can reach out to take therapeutic measures to get beyond that pain and at the very least connect with others like themselves.

Thanks so much for your help spreading this blog around - the kids are really very excited about this. I hope they can read the letters from other kids who are in similar situations and realize they're aren't quite as different as they'd thought.

This is entirely the kids project - I just do a bit of the web work stuff and will filter some of the letters for "content" purposes of course. They are in charge of all the posting and development.

Note to Cheaters with Children

Just because a child isn't fully able to articulate verbally what they've seen or participated in, doesn't mean they won't remember at a later time when they can.

For years, I know of a parent who kept telling their children that their other parent was the one that cheated on them and that was the cause of the divorce.

For several years that followed the divorce, the parent kept discussing this same situation with the children, in obvious effort to erase the true memories from their minds and replace it with suggested memories.

Didn't work!

In fact, just about a year ago the kids were talking with their grandmother. Just chit chatting away about a movie they'd seen at some point. When the older child blurted out something to the tune of "remember when we were little and ____ took us to so and so's house that one night?"

Sudden silence --

The truth was out, the truth remembered and no amount of lies was going to cover it up. It was at that precise moment that one child developed real trust issues with one parent and in fact has vowed to "never trust the lying ------" again... while the other struggles with their own variations of just why something like that would happen.

If you're going to cheat on your spouse, it's not a good idea to take your kids along, regardless of how little they are or how few words they know. The memory is much more powerful then you'd like to think.

Mothers-in-law fuel Italy's soaring divorce rate

Not that this will come as a surprise to too many, it's just nice to have something to back you up on your position when needed...

Italy is experiencing an unprecedented rise in marriage break-ups, according to a new report, with interfering mothers-in-law bearing a high proportion of the blame.

A new poll by research institute Eures reveals a divorce happens every four minutes in a country once regarded as a bastion of marriage.

In 2002, Italy recorded 50,828 divorces - a 45 per cent increase from 2000. Marrying too young, squabbling over money and meeting new partners are often cited for the rising divorce rate but three out of 10 marriages fail because of the unusually close attachment of Italian men to their mothers.

Living in the same house or nearby, she puts strains on a couple's relationship by meddling in their affairs, finding fault with her daughter-in-law and treating her grown-up son as a child.

'In Italy there still exists a sort of mother love that is excessive,' said psychologist Dr Annamaria Cassanese, who says she sees many disillusioned daughters-in-law at her practice in Milan. 'It is a very Latin thing, deeply embedded in our social structure. For example, you will see mothers crying at the weddings of their sons, but they are not crying for joy, they are crying because they feel devastated. Their son has chosen another woman and it arouses very complex feelings, including jealousy.'

Cassanese points to two types of extreme Italian mother-in-law. One refuses to give in to ageing and sees her daughter-in-law as a rival, the other has dedicated her life to her family and expects payback for life.

Among the wiles of the latter type of mother-in-law is offering to do chores such as cooking, ironing and babysitting. 'This can often be the beginning of an invasion, in which the mother-in-law slowly takes over and undermines the woman in her own home,' she says. 'What starts out being portrayed as something that is helpful degenerates into outright intrusion such as going into drawers and pulling out shirts that are not ironed "her way" or monopolising the kitchen. Wives feel like strangers in their own homes because the mother-in-law is always there.'

The fact that many Italian parents help out their children financially by buying them apartments or cars can also lead them to expect something in return, adds Dr Cassanese. She said many couples still obey invitations to eat with their parents three or four times a week.

The concept of mammoni - sons who cling to apron strings - is well known in Italy and it is not uncommon for men in their thirties and forties to live with their parents. The reasons are partly economic but also come about because boys are indulged well into adulthood in a way that would not be acceptable in other countries. Italian men who remain close to their mothers are emotionally immature, according to Dr Cassanese:

'The husband is used to being adored and when he doesn't get that unconditional love from his wife, he goes running back to his mother.' She has counselled women who complain their husbands phone their mothers too often, discuss marital difficulties with them and make them feel marginalised. She said struggling Italian couples should try to seek professional help to get their marriages back on track before the damage becomes irreversible.

This article found via the Guardian Unlimited

Wanted: Post-Divorce Stories for Magazine Article

Darn Divorce has posted a call for article participants who would be willing to conduct an interview for the May 2007 issue of Best Life Magazine.

Check complete details and contact information here on Darn Divorce

Open Letter to All Custodial Parents

Dear Parent ~
Do you not realize how much your actions against the non-custodial parent are hurting your children?

Do you not realize that by using your children as a source to get your digs in, you are gradually pushing them away - and just like any fine straw, once it's broken, it's not likely it can ever be mended.

If you don't want your child to participate in something, do certain sports, take piano lessons, join under water basket weaving or whatever, tell them. Don't place the non-custodial parent in the position of having to tell that child no and hurt their feelings.

Do not tell your children their other parent isn't paying support. That only makes you look criminal when they are shown the proof that their 'other parent' is providing for them well within the guidelines of the law and then some.

In many cases, one parent has already taken enough away from the other parent by placing them in the position where they can only see their children 4 days out of the month. That's a huge sacrifice, especially for a parent who truly cares.

If you still love that parent, too bad. You should have thought about that before you divorced.

Adults should take responsibility for their own actions. Let the children be children and let them enjoy their four days per month with their other parent without having to worry about being a messenger to the other parent.

You've made your bed - now let them be kids.