Child of divorce wants to choose where he lives

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Q What are your thoughts on split custody of two siblings?

Eight months ago, the son asked to move in with the father. Now he's asking to move back to his mom's house. He's 11.

His reasons for wanting to return are to see his mom and his 6-year-old sister more; to have friends, because he has made no new ones in his current school or neighborhood; and he doesn't like the fact that no one is there when he gets home from school.

His dad doesn't want him to go back, but I think the son is very lonely. He mentioned in passing that he moved in with his father because he didn't want his dad to be lonely. The divorce was four years ago. His mom has remarried, and his dad just recently started dating.

Is it a good idea to let a child select where he wants to live? Is it hurtful to separate siblings? Should the dad get to decide where the child lives? Would a family counselor be a good idea to sort through the issues?

A Who decides where a minor child lives after a divorce? Sometimes a judge decides; sometimes the decision is made by mediation. Sometimes the parents fight over where the child will live. Sometimes the child has input, sometimes not.

What's best for the child? Two parents who love the child, understand the child's needs, realize the impact that divorce has on a child, and communicate well so that they can work together continuously on what's best for the children as they grow and develop.

I'm guessing that the person who wrote today's letter is a grandparent. I infer that the parents are not paying much attention to their child and don't communicate well. I also infer that the boy asked to leave about the time mom got married. Mom now had a husband and two kids, while dad had no one. I find it interesting and disquieting that some children of divorce end up taking care of their parents instead of the other way around.

To answer your questions, splitting two siblings is not a good idea. There are enough other changes going on in the children's lives at the time of a divorce. As for an 11-year-old deciding where he wants to live, if a custody fight came before the court, most judges would ask the child — or have the child and both homes evaluated — before making a final decision.

Your letter points out a major pitfall in letting the child decide. It was noble of the boy to want to take care of his father, but he's too young to take on such a task. Depending on what the custody arrangements are, dad doesn't have the sole right to decide.

Family counseling would be a great idea if all parties, including the mother's new husband, are willing, and are all in a mode of "I want what's best for the kids." Individual counseling for the boy could help him realize that he's the kid and he deserves friends and stability in his life, even if dad is lonely.

Finally, it's fortunate that most children are resilient, because so many parents today have it backward. They put themselves first — before the kids. Some children of divorce never quite get over it. I recently heard a man in his 60s mention it was the 50th anniversary of his parents' divorce. He remembered the exact day.

I realize that not every couple can or wants to follow these rules, but here are Dr. Heins' rules for protecting children from the effects of divorce:

● Don't get married unless you expect to spend the rest of your life married to this person.

● Don't have children unless they will be able to spend their entire childhood in the two-parent family you created.

● Don't get divorced unless you're comfortable with the idea that your kids might spend their entire lives remembering a divorce anniversary and its impact.

Childless by choice

I read an interesting article this morning at: To bear or not to bear? Childless by choice ...And their lives are far from empty.

I have to admit, that's one of those topics that I've never really given much thought to, but when it's presented in a way that captures my attention like this article has, I find myself pondering quite a bit over what life might be like if I were 'one of those' people who chose to be childless.

I can't imagine life without my children and I can't imagine having ever even entertaining the thought of not having them. I'm not saying it's wrong by any means, just that it's one of those things I just can't wrap my mind around. Kind of like being a lesbian - I just don't get it!

I'm sure there are many 'parents' who didn't bear children of their own, but have stepped nicely into the roll of parent by having married a parent.

Know anyone like that?

I would think it's terribly challenging to step into the roll of being parent to a child that belongs to someone else and now that I think about it, my brother is the "father figure" to two children that belong to another man and he handles it nicely.

Are you like me and think it would be difficult to become a parent to children that way after having never been a parent before?

I'd love to hear some tales of Parenting by Choice.

MySpace - A parental nightmare

A US Federal Judge says that MySpace is legally protected from any liability as a result of external criminal acts that have been committed by people misrepresenting themselves to other MySpace users. Judge Sam Sparks of the U.S. District Court for the Western district of Texas ruled that the 1996 Communications Decency Act excludes web providers and ‘information intermediaries’ from the action of their members when it comes to criminal acts involving content. This is intended to protect service providers from being put out of business by never ending lawsuits resulting from the actions of people over whom they have no real control. Read More

Just recently a situation came up in a family I know. A teen had been corresponding with someone claiming to be 'out of state' and 'close in age' - so the teen, after what I would consider to be a brief correspondence history, gave this stranger a phone number and thus began a line of verbal communication.

I suppose the thing that torments me most about this issue is that if I am geek enough to be able to take a phone number and map myself right to a persons front door, then how many others out there are capable of doing the same?

Also, just because a phone number is given and it checks out to be an 'out of state' number, does that necessarily mean the person is out of state and not quite possibly a few doors away?

I just don't think teens take these situations seriously enough.

I'd be interested in hearing some of your experiences, how you handle them and how you get it through the thick skull of a teen that the internet, though a fun place to hang out, can be a very dangerous place just the same.

Suffer the children?

The article referenced below shows a clear indication that Americans live to work while other countries work to live. I believe if more families were being raised by one parent being able to stay at home (or work from home) we'd see these statistics skew quite a bit in the more positive direction.

On Wednesday February 14th Unicef published a report comparing the well-being of young people in 21 rich countries, and concluded that British and American youths endure the worst quality of life of any.

In fact, as the authors of the UN report admit, such broad conclusions need to be kept in some perspective. Many of the data presented are hardly new or surprising: who did not already know that rates of teenage pregnancy are high in Britain, or that junk-food-guzzling kids are getting dangerously fat in America? Accurate comparisons of social and educational trends, between countries, are also notoriously tricky to make. Perhaps most important, the report could cast more light (though it does give some) on how child welfare is changing over time. Rates of infant mortality, child deaths caused by accidents or other scores of health and safety, for example, show that children in all these rich countries in fact enjoy an historically unparalleled quality of life.

Where Britain and America really score badly, however, is in the categories of relationships and risky behaviour. British and American children apparently spend less time (and eat fewer meals) with their parents, compared with the other countries, and seem to be somewhat less happy with their friends and in school.

Complete article found at The Economist

I'm especially interested in just what people are thinking? Why would you choose to bring children into a world to be raised by hired help? Certainly I understand there are many parents who don't have the choice but to work outside the home, but those who are 'career' driven and make the conscious decision to have children and rush back to work - WHY?

Joint Custody with a Jerk

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex, A Hands on, practical guide to coping with custody issues that arise with an uncooperative ex-spouse

One readers review:

I personally think everyone regardless of their status should read this book. It's a great communication tool. Very quick read; simple; easy to read and understand. Personally I've found it to be a great help in dealing with many different situations, especially in times of conflict, that have almost impossible or non-existant positive communication.

This book makes it simple and easy to understand just how powerful taking responsibility for ones own issues and communication can be. It gives the reader a clear and concise way to gain control over themselves and their communication and hand back to the other party that which does not belong to the reader. I've bought this book for many of my friends and they have all felt like it was a valuable read not only when dealing with an ex-spouse, but also in many other situations where one finds ones self dealing with conflict.

If you have a comment regarding this book, I'd love to have you share your thoughts.

Letters from Children of Divorce

Blended Kids - Letters from Children of Divorce. Though the title says "children of divorce" it can be letters from anyone who has had their life impacted by divorce. Whether it's your parents, yourself, whomever.

Over the last several years I've learned there is no way for all the courts to truly know what's really best for the children - because NO two families are alike. Try as they might, to make the best decisions, watching the evening news is a testament to the fact that they're not always right.

As a child of divorce myself, I feel as though I have somewhat a clearer understanding of what the needs of children of divorce are versus what someone who has never been divorced might believe.

Thus the idea for people from all over the world to share their own thoughts and letters on what's best for them. What hurts them most? What they wish their parents would do? What they should have done? How should parents handle divorce from a child's perspective.

At the same time, being a divorced woman myself, I would like to invite parents who are divorced to share their letters as well. God knows there are many secrets I've had to keep from my kids that I hope one day they'll forgive me for. This is also a place for people like me to share those secrets - so that perhaps other parents in similar situations will find support, encouragement and inspiration.

With statistics indicating that most families are now blended or divorced - I truly believe the best way to strengthen the latest trend in family dynamics is through the personal experiences and letters from those who have been there and are living it.

If you are divorced, know someone who is - or know a child of divorce, please share this site and option with them. When they get angry, hurt or depressed - I'd like for this to become one new avenue in which they can reach out to take therapeutic measures to get beyond that pain and at the very least connect with others like themselves.

Thanks so much for your help spreading this blog around - the kids are really very excited about this. I hope they can read the letters from other kids who are in similar situations and realize they're aren't quite as different as they'd thought.

This is entirely the kids project - I just do a bit of the web work stuff and will filter some of the letters for "content" purposes of course. They are in charge of all the posting and development.

Note to Cheaters with Children

Just because a child isn't fully able to articulate verbally what they've seen or participated in, doesn't mean they won't remember at a later time when they can.

For years, I know of a parent who kept telling their children that their other parent was the one that cheated on them and that was the cause of the divorce.

For several years that followed the divorce, the parent kept discussing this same situation with the children, in obvious effort to erase the true memories from their minds and replace it with suggested memories.

Didn't work!

In fact, just about a year ago the kids were talking with their grandmother. Just chit chatting away about a movie they'd seen at some point. When the older child blurted out something to the tune of "remember when we were little and ____ took us to so and so's house that one night?"

Sudden silence --

The truth was out, the truth remembered and no amount of lies was going to cover it up. It was at that precise moment that one child developed real trust issues with one parent and in fact has vowed to "never trust the lying ------" again... while the other struggles with their own variations of just why something like that would happen.

If you're going to cheat on your spouse, it's not a good idea to take your kids along, regardless of how little they are or how few words they know. The memory is much more powerful then you'd like to think.

Adult Children of Divorce

I'm looking for Adult Children of Divorce who would be willing to answer a few questions for me as part of an article that I'm putting together.

This article won't be featured in any major magazine, but what it will do is to help me find some happy medium between what I personally know, feel and believe as an adult child of divorce versus what our court systems THINK children today 'need' from their divorcing parents.

Personally, I don't think they have a very good handle on the whole divorce thing because they still have the same old mindset that all children belong with their mother - which we all know couldn't be further from the truth.

I'm finding myself very torn between what the courts expect from me now as a stepmother versus what I know as a child of divorce.

I think children of divorce know best, but who am I?

Perhaps if I had more people who come from similar backgrounds helping in this soul searching experience, I could find a happy place between the two.

If you're interested in helping with this proposition, please leave a comment here on how I can contact you - or I'll find a way to be in touch.

Sometimes being a Stepmom is beyond tough

Have you ever been placed in the position where you've been told something by one a stepchild and was asked not to tell their parents?

A reader has been placed in that very position. Something has been going on with one of their stepchildren while they are at their biological mom's house. They've been asked not to tell and agreed at first, but later had to re-think that position. Following careful explanation to that child it was decided they would talk with the father about it.

Do you know what's going on in your child's life? Are you the kind of parent your child wants to confide in? If you aren't sure, it might be time to start thinking about it - because they might just end up talking to someone who will keep their secret.

If you've been there? Do you have some wisdom or advice you'd like to share with other blended families?

Open Letter to All Custodial Parents

Dear Parent ~
Do you not realize how much your actions against the non-custodial parent are hurting your children?

Do you not realize that by using your children as a source to get your digs in, you are gradually pushing them away - and just like any fine straw, once it's broken, it's not likely it can ever be mended.

If you don't want your child to participate in something, do certain sports, take piano lessons, join under water basket weaving or whatever, tell them. Don't place the non-custodial parent in the position of having to tell that child no and hurt their feelings.

Do not tell your children their other parent isn't paying support. That only makes you look criminal when they are shown the proof that their 'other parent' is providing for them well within the guidelines of the law and then some.

In many cases, one parent has already taken enough away from the other parent by placing them in the position where they can only see their children 4 days out of the month. That's a huge sacrifice, especially for a parent who truly cares.

If you still love that parent, too bad. You should have thought about that before you divorced.

Adults should take responsibility for their own actions. Let the children be children and let them enjoy their four days per month with their other parent without having to worry about being a messenger to the other parent.

You've made your bed - now let them be kids.