9-Year-Old Charged With Poisoning Stepmom

Talk about Scary!

A nine-year-old boy was placed in juvenile detention after he was charged with four counts of third-degree assault for poisoning his 30-year-old stepmother and his three siblings in separate incidents.

Mobile County Sheriff's spokesman Kate Johnson said the youngster admitted pouring an aquarium water conditioner in his stepmom's drink on Saturday at a residence in Irvington.

The unnamed woman fell ill and remains hospitalized in the intensive care unit at a Mobile hospital. She was treated for abdominal pains and is expected to make a full recovery.

Johnson said investigators also are looking into an April 15th incident in which the boy confessed to poisoning his siblings with an industrial strength cleaner and degreaser.

The three siblings, a 15-year-old and two 11-year-olds, were treated and released.

Investigators described the youngster as a "troubled child" in need of professional counseling.

Childless by choice

I read an interesting article this morning at: To bear or not to bear? Childless by choice ...And their lives are far from empty.

I have to admit, that's one of those topics that I've never really given much thought to, but when it's presented in a way that captures my attention like this article has, I find myself pondering quite a bit over what life might be like if I were 'one of those' people who chose to be childless.

I can't imagine life without my children and I can't imagine having ever even entertaining the thought of not having them. I'm not saying it's wrong by any means, just that it's one of those things I just can't wrap my mind around. Kind of like being a lesbian - I just don't get it!

I'm sure there are many 'parents' who didn't bear children of their own, but have stepped nicely into the roll of parent by having married a parent.

Know anyone like that?

I would think it's terribly challenging to step into the roll of being parent to a child that belongs to someone else and now that I think about it, my brother is the "father figure" to two children that belong to another man and he handles it nicely.

Are you like me and think it would be difficult to become a parent to children that way after having never been a parent before?

I'd love to hear some tales of Parenting by Choice.

10 Best Ways to Be a Better Stepdad

Blending families is like mixing breakfast cereals: You get the sweet Lucky Charms along with the oat bran and fiber. But merging families is difficult and can seem overwhelming. Here's how to make it work.

1. Know that you're in a big boat. One in three Americans is now a stepparent, a stepchild, stepsibling or some other member of a stepfamily. Simply knowing that others are going through similar challenges can be reassuring -- and a source of support.

2. Make your marriage the center of the family. Here's where blended and other families are no different: The kids should not be the center of the family, says family psychologist Mario Alonso, Ph.D., the "Ask the Head Coach" columnist for Best Life. The marriage should be. Studies have shown that children derive a sense of security when their biological parent and stepparent have a solid, loving marriage steeped in respect for each other.

3. Understand that you are viewed as an intruder. In the beginning, you will be thought of as an outsider in the family circle. Keep on the sidelines for a while. Trust takes time to build.

Continue Reading >>>

How Did I Get Here?

People are too much work. I'm lonely. I miss having people drop by for dinner. I miss being able to vent about kids and not having everyone look all pained because of their sense of how horribly I stressed my kids. I do feel like the biggest "meanie" on the planet, and I can't figure out how I got here. I was coping. I was loving my kids. I fell in love. We're doing the best we can. Do you ever get absolution?

How many of you wake up one day wondering just how you got to this particular place in your life?

I've been there a few times myself. I used to travel a lot. I used to go to social events all over the U.S. I used to date famous people for crying out loud.

Now my day consists of work, laundry and an occasional phone call. But much like our commenter has pointed out, you wake up one day and feel like you've grown to a place of isolation and the people who once surrounded you, now run from you because you're the one with problems.

Advice, anyone?

Even if you don't have advice, perhaps you can join in to just share and lean.

Dealing with Outside Influences

A Blended Family Reader has submitted a topic for discussion -- Please consider joining in with some of our discussions here. You can remain as private and anonymous as you like, we just believe that the best support and information comes from those who are living it.

How difficult has it been for you to deal with outside influences? Nosy people? People who constantly offer up unsolicited advice?

I'm very interested in this particular topic, because I've always been the "yes" girl and have always overextended myself for the benefit of others.

I've taken advice just to keep the peace...

I've gone places I didn't want to go with people I didn't want to go with - just to keep the peace...

How do you handle it without feeling like the biggest meany on the planet?

Blended Family Open Thread

I'd like to invite others who are searching the net for information on Blended Families to leave a comment here indicating exactly what the problem is, what answers they hope to find and if there are any resources out there they've found beneficial that I could actually mention here on Step by Step.

I can't promise I'll have the answers, but your help would give me a good guide to go by when coming up with content here on Step by Step.

Second Wives Club

Sometimes being the "second wife" has a whole set of unique challenges and no matter how much you'd like to depend on your close family and friends, there just isn't a replacement for the support of someone who is actually living a life parallel to yours.

The mission of Second Wives Club is to provide a safe haven for women who are currently involved in a second marriage or relationship or who is involved in a blended family. Second Wives Club provides a network where you can communicate with others who share common interests, issues, concerns and complaints - you'll find you can give and receive support, information, and friendship.

"The Second Wives Club.com" encourages the building and maintaining of co-operative relationships both within the club and the family. To help develop positive attitudes and behaviors and to enable women in blended family situations to live and grow with confidence, respect, and zeal as a wife, mother, and individual.

Monday Morning Blended Keyword Search

While reviewing my stats this morning, as I do most Monday mornings, it occurred to me that I should publish those stats and show others they're not alone in what they are looking for. Naturally, Blended Family and Blended Family Blog are rating high on the search terms, however, the one's that I find somewhat disturbing are:

• meddling adult step children
• how to figure out if a step-coupling marriage can be saved
• step by step process of divorce

Certainly if the problem is between the parents, the focus should be there. I've always felt that the children will be around until they are out of school or on their own feet and then it's down to just you and your spouse. Can you hold out that long? Is the problem deeper then it appears? Is the problem really in the stepchildren at all or are they just an easy excuse? I've heard many other situations in which it wasn't the children at all, but more on the shoulders of the in-laws? Be sure you are calling out the issues as they should be. It's only when the problem has a solid diagnosis that it can be addressed, treated or dismissed. Next I'm seeing lots of people getting here searching for:

• blended family problem forum (this week)

and in previous weeks reviews:

• blended family forum
• stepfamilies forum
• stepmom forum

One of the best forums I've found for both reading and participating is this FORUM at Life in a Blender.

And hopefully, those searching ex wife blogs are getting here to either realize what they can do in the best interest of their children or share with other blended families what can be done to help make this transition much easier on everyone involved.

I'd like to also extend this invitation - If you are in a blended family and would like to submit a letter or post to be displayed here on Blended Family Blog, I'd be happy to do so.

I think it's important for those struggling in their blended families to share their experiences and this is one additional way that step-families can share their experiences and request advice in an anonymous setting.

If you have something to say, please feel free to leave your comment anonymously on this forum and I'll be glad to move it to the postings section.

Joint Custody with a Jerk

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex, A Hands on, practical guide to coping with custody issues that arise with an uncooperative ex-spouse

One readers review:

I personally think everyone regardless of their status should read this book. It's a great communication tool. Very quick read; simple; easy to read and understand. Personally I've found it to be a great help in dealing with many different situations, especially in times of conflict, that have almost impossible or non-existant positive communication.

This book makes it simple and easy to understand just how powerful taking responsibility for ones own issues and communication can be. It gives the reader a clear and concise way to gain control over themselves and their communication and hand back to the other party that which does not belong to the reader. I've bought this book for many of my friends and they have all felt like it was a valuable read not only when dealing with an ex-spouse, but also in many other situations where one finds ones self dealing with conflict.

If you have a comment regarding this book, I'd love to have you share your thoughts.

Word Association Game - Blended Family Style

Here’s how it works — Simply post the first word that comes to mind when you read the word in the comment that appears just above where yours will be. The next person will comment with the word that first comes to mind when they read your word.

I'll start:

Given that we're expecting a huge snow storm - the word I'll start with is:

Snow

Next?

It's Not All About You

First - a word for today --- narcissist - inordinate fascination with oneself - A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.

Now that the condition has a name - perhaps the person I'm talking to can get some help. Because in the end, as much as this person would like to think everything is about them, it's not.

I've been very troubled by a situation that has come up because of a post I made. Apparently I know a few cheaters and not just one. Over the weekend I've received a few calls. It's amazing at just how easily such a cryptic message can draw out or expose the guilty. One from a relative asking if my post was about cousin Billy Jo*. One from my mother asking if it was a person she knew and then I received a phone call from a child in tears saying they were being blamed for my post.

Since I know the person blaming that child has taken to reading my blogs as if they were a car crash in progress and visiting as much as three times a day now, I will state right here - for the record, the post was NOT about you - it happened to be about an ex relative of mine - but I felt the information to be pertinent enough in the bigger picture, that I wanted to let potential cheaters all over know they should keep the kids out of their adulterous rendezvous.

You totally made a complete fool of yourself and hurt and innocent child. You owe that child a huge apology - are you grown up enough to handle that?

If you have something to say or issues to take up with me, then take them up with me. Don't use that poor child as a messenger.

Letters from Children of Divorce

Blended Kids - Letters from Children of Divorce. Though the title says "children of divorce" it can be letters from anyone who has had their life impacted by divorce. Whether it's your parents, yourself, whomever.

Over the last several years I've learned there is no way for all the courts to truly know what's really best for the children - because NO two families are alike. Try as they might, to make the best decisions, watching the evening news is a testament to the fact that they're not always right.

As a child of divorce myself, I feel as though I have somewhat a clearer understanding of what the needs of children of divorce are versus what someone who has never been divorced might believe.

Thus the idea for people from all over the world to share their own thoughts and letters on what's best for them. What hurts them most? What they wish their parents would do? What they should have done? How should parents handle divorce from a child's perspective.

At the same time, being a divorced woman myself, I would like to invite parents who are divorced to share their letters as well. God knows there are many secrets I've had to keep from my kids that I hope one day they'll forgive me for. This is also a place for people like me to share those secrets - so that perhaps other parents in similar situations will find support, encouragement and inspiration.

With statistics indicating that most families are now blended or divorced - I truly believe the best way to strengthen the latest trend in family dynamics is through the personal experiences and letters from those who have been there and are living it.

If you are divorced, know someone who is - or know a child of divorce, please share this site and option with them. When they get angry, hurt or depressed - I'd like for this to become one new avenue in which they can reach out to take therapeutic measures to get beyond that pain and at the very least connect with others like themselves.

Thanks so much for your help spreading this blog around - the kids are really very excited about this. I hope they can read the letters from other kids who are in similar situations and realize they're aren't quite as different as they'd thought.

This is entirely the kids project - I just do a bit of the web work stuff and will filter some of the letters for "content" purposes of course. They are in charge of all the posting and development.

Making Painful Decisions

One reader has written in with the following:

My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and in that time, we've had so many people telling us what to do, we don't even know what it's like to be a family.

We started off in financial struggles because of a layoff so soon after we were married. Because of our own struggles, family members have stepped in to help, but because of that help, we are not placed in the position of being reminded all the time of the help that was given.

It doesn't matter that much of what was given has been repaid - it's still a constant reminder that we owe them.

These same family members stress the blended family boundaries and cause tension within our household. I've tried to get my husband to do something about it - because my efforts have failed.

Shy of moving to outer Mongolia and without phones and internet, what can we do to create a home that's free of outside influences that place so much stress on this marriage that I'm not sure I even want to stay in it anymore? Depression is becoming the norm in my everyday life.

Help

I don't feel that I'm in a position to provide the best advice, so I'm placing this letter on the Blended Family Blog in hopes that others with blended family experience can chime in with some support and advice.

Sometimes being a Stepmom is beyond tough

Have you ever been placed in the position where you've been told something by one a stepchild and was asked not to tell their parents?

A reader has been placed in that very position. Something has been going on with one of their stepchildren while they are at their biological mom's house. They've been asked not to tell and agreed at first, but later had to re-think that position. Following careful explanation to that child it was decided they would talk with the father about it.

Do you know what's going on in your child's life? Are you the kind of parent your child wants to confide in? If you aren't sure, it might be time to start thinking about it - because they might just end up talking to someone who will keep their secret.

If you've been there? Do you have some wisdom or advice you'd like to share with other blended families?